


Picture of You

by Azu_Winter



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band), NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crime Scenes, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Family, Flirty jay, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Guilt, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Drama, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Romanticist jeffrey, Schizophrenia, Social Anxiety, Suspense, Taeyong just wants to spend normal life with jaehyun, They're both dangerous in different ways
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-06
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-19 21:58:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8226031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azu_Winter/pseuds/Azu_Winter
Summary: One day, when Jaehyun wakes up with a lot of bruises on his forearms, he knows there’s something wrong. The problem is, the bruises don’t look like his previous bruises whenever Jay - one of his alter egos - had the fight with the gangs. This time, the bruises look like the love bites."Even if a painful fate finds us, even if we are chocked in that pain, me... who can comfort all those pains, will only love you more." (TVXQ)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [NCTprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/NCTprompts) collection. 



> **Prompt:**  
>  Multiple personality disorder!AU Every morning Jaehyun wakes up he has a niggling feeling that he's supposed to remember something important. Including the cause of the purpling bruises on his forearms.

It’s been a year since Jaehyun often feeling as if he just wakes up from a coma, from a really deep sleep without any dreams, without any memories of how and when he sleeps then how he wakes up in an unfamiliar place. If he’s lucky enough, he’d wake up on his bed, but still with no memories of the night before.

At first he suspected it’s happened because he had sleeping habit, maybe sleepwalking, that’s why he often wakes up in the strange places. But one day, when he found himself waking up inside the warehouse, in the middle of the sea of blood and unconscious bodies around him, he was terrified. He knew it’s not only a sleeping habit anymore.

 _“I’m a monster. I’m possessed.”_ That’s what Jaehyun thought.

He met a shaman, diligently following what the shaman said for a week, doing strange rituals and bring talisman everywhere he goes, but it didn’t change anything. He still woke up in the middle of nowhere, without any memories why he was there. Even though for that week there wasn’t any bruise and cuts on his face, and there wasn’t any blood stain on his clothes, he was still terrified.

He stopped meeting the shaman, thinking maybe there’s something wrong with his brain, with his mental. The idea of coming to the psychiatrist was scaring him. _“What if I’m crazy?!”_ Jaehyun was scared. His society is still labeling someone with mental disorder as the lowest human being. Someone with mental disorder is treated differently, even lower than how people treats animal.

People could sympathize with a cancer patient, but why they couldn’t do the same with a mental disorder patient? They both sick, though in the different aspects. Jaehyun wondering why. But that’s how society works. He couldn’t change people’s perspective in a blink of eyes. He couldn’t blame people if one day they find out about his abnormality and call him ‘crazy’.

Jaehyun is scared. He is still not ready being “different”. He feels scared interacting with people, scared what if they find out and then tell him to go away, to not be there, to should not having a big dream, to should not doing something he always love.

That’s why Jaehyun builds invisible walls around him, to protect himself. He is hiding behind those walls. It’s been a year since he pushes people off of him. Jung Jaehyun has no social life. His world only rotates around university-apartment-university-apartment, or so he thought at first until his therapist helped him finding out about his alter egos, the strangers who live inside his body but with the totally different personalities and memories.

His therapist helps him getting know his alter egos better. Sometimes his therapist asks him to talk to one of his alter egos, whom considered as the _safest_ among the 4 alter egos he has by doing a routine recording every counseling session. Then whenever he gets the reply, he still feels it’s only a dream, a really bad one, because he knows it’s himself who talks but with the different consciousness, personality, name, and experiences of life. He wishes it’s not one of his alter egos who talks to him, but his twin. It must’ve been nice having a twin named Jung Jae Yook who loves cooking instead of sharing the same body but with the different consciousness.

Jaehyun never _talks_ to his other alter egos aside of Jae Yook. His therapist said he’s still not ready meeting those three, but his instinct told him maybe they hate him and refuse to talk to him. Jaehyun knows better than anyone, even he himself sometimes _hates_ himself.

Jaehyun has been trying to make a peace with himself, to forgive himself – as how his therapist suggests him to do – but it’s useless since he has no idea of why he has to forgive himself, forgive himself of what?

Jaehyun knows there’s a big hole in his memories. He always knows there’re some missing puzzles in his life. Before he knew he’s suffering from the _Dissociative Identity Disorder,_ he thought it’s only the usual thing. People often not remember their childhood recollection, do they? But now he’s wondering, maybe there’s _something,_ an important thing in his childhood that shapes him into who he is right now. He’s trying hard to remember what it is, but there’s nothing. His childhood is normal, as long as he remembers.

 

Jaehyun never bothers anymore with bruises on his face. He knows, it must’ve been because of Jay, one of his alter egos.

Even though Jaehyun never talks to Jay, he knows many things about Jay based on what his therapist told him, though he’s sure his therapist still not telling him everything about Jay, nor his other alter egos. _There’s the right time for it_ , that’s what his therapist said.

Jay, 24, a Korean-American, the heir of the strongest gang in Asia (though Jaehyun knows the gang is only the imaginary thing, because he knows there isn’t any gang named the Rabbit, _fuck! Even the name is funny!_ ), a really good fighter, master a lot of kind of martial arts, strong, tough, talks without any filter, a playboy, loves wearing an Eifel tower piercing on his right ear and a cherry earring on his left ear, fluent speaking a lot of languages, clever, sly, and has anger management issue.

Jaehyun knows, it’s Jay who makes him woke up in the warehouse back then, among the unconscious bodies and sea of blood. It’s Jay who caused painful bruises and cuts on his face and palms. It’s Jay who gave him a lot of blood stains on his clothes, made him really mad when Jay ruined his favorite shirt!

Jay often made Jaehyun mad. Jaehyun has no idea why. And it seems like Jay knows _everything_ about Jaehyun. It seems like Jay _hates_ Jaehyun, _so much_.

Jay knows which one is Jaehyun’s favorite shirt and jeans – both had been ruined. Jay knows how to annoy Jaehyun by making him wakes up inside the trash bin, knows very well how much Jaehyun treasure the cleanliness around him. Jay knows Jaehyun loves reading Harry Potter and often re-reads the books whenever he’s bored or exhausted because of school assignments and projects, that’s why Jay burned the books, Jaehyun cried when he found out the book’s covers were scattering around the ashes of the pages, Jay is so cruel, leaving Jaehyun only the book’s covers as the proof of his evil deeds.

It’s Jay. It’s always been Jay.

Jaehyun knows, there’s no way Jae Yook, Yoonoh, or White would do those kind of things!

Jaehyun often _talks_ with Jae Yook via the video recordings. Jaeyook is nice, and often cook Jaehyun a lot of delicious meals.

Yoonoh has OCD, so there’s no way Yoonoh would burn Jaehyun’s books and leave the ashes inside his bed room!

White is so pure, almost like a child, though his therapist said that White rarely talks with his mouth, only communicate with the drawing. White has a phobia of the fire and flame, so there’s no way he’s the culprit!

It’s Jay. It’s always been Jay.

 

One day, when Jaehyun woke up with a lot of bruises on his forearms, he knows there’s something wrong. The problem is, the bruises don’t look like his previous bruises whenever Jay had had the fight with the gangs. This time, the bruises look like the love bites.

Jaehyun, as usual, couldn’t recall anything. Why-how-when-where-and who gave him those love bites?

Jay? But Jay is too dominant. He wouldn’t let anyone give him those visible love bites. Jay is too casanova to let anyone leave him traces. One of Jay mottos is: Jay can have anyone, but no one can have Jay. He wouldn’t let anyone _marks_ him!

Yoonoh? No way! He would never let anyone touches him! But it’s a different case if someone _forced_ himself/herself on Yoonoh. God, Jaehyun hopes it’s not Yoonoh! Based on what Jaehyun’s therapist said about Yoonoh, he has a trust issue and kind of scared of people – not to the level of social phobia though – but still… it’s scary imagining him being raped by someone.

White? It’s even scarier imagining someone raped White! White is just a teenager. 16! For God’s sake! Even though Jaehyun doesn’t know White as much as he knows Jaeyook, he always has a soft spot for White. He has no idea why.

Jaeyook? Yeah, probably. Even though Jaeyook never mention anything about his love life whenever Jaehyun talks with him via the video recordings.

“Maybe it’s Jaeyook. I’ll make sure to ask him about this later.” Jaehyun whispers as he traces his fingers on those purplish on his forearms. He’s frowning deeply, there’s a strange sensation inside his chest. His heart is tightening in an uncomfortable way, making him gasping – trying hard taking the fresh air as much as possible into his lungs, but there’s a tingling inside it at the same time as well, as if someone had lit the fireworks and made him see the beautiful colors and light on the night sky, feeling warm, safe, and loved.

Jaehyun desperate to find out what’s the cause is, or maybe _who?_ He wants to remember everything. He wishes he could remember every detail, everything what his alter egos had done.

Because he got the feeling that his alter egos: Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White know something he doesn’t know, and he _desperately_ wants to know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Lee Taeyong thought Jung Jaehyun looks really charming under the sun rays of the summer, when Jaehyun took off the snapback which is hiding Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes from people around him. Taeyong wished he could stare into Jaehyun’s eyes directly, but as usual, the architecture boy only walked on the campus garden that separating the architecture and psychology major buildings silently, fast, without any sound, almost like a ninja. When the summer breeze played with Jaehyun’s black hairs, Taeyong feels something warm stirs inside his heart.

Lee Taeyong thought Jung Jaehyun looks really charming behind the white hoodie. It’s autumn, not _that_ cold, Taeyong thought, but Jaehyun always wears a really thick hoodie, or sometimes a coat. Whenever Jaehyun wears the coat, he always pairs it up with the matching fedora. _Jaehyun has a good fashion sense_ , Taeyong thought. Taeyong wished this time he could look into Jaehyun’s eyes, but like usual, the younger always lowers his face, looking at the ground, avoiding people's stare. Taeyong heaved a deep sigh. He could only stare at Jaehyun’s back with a longing feeling.

Winter is cold, but Taeyong’s feeling got warmer whenever he sees Jaehyun walks by passing him, like usual, nonchalant with the surrounding, so he maybe never realized even for just once of Taeyong’s intense stare at him since the last summer. Taeyong chuckled, thinking that Jaehyun is really cute wearing the red beanie with moomin printed on the front. _Jaehyun looks more charming too_ , Taeyong thought.

Spring is Taeyong’s favorite season, and it seems like its Jaehyun’s favorite too. For the first time in his life, Taeyong saw Jaehyun smiling! It’s not only charming, but… breathtaking. Taeyong wished he could become the reason of Jaehyun’s smile. Taeyong wished Jaehyun could look at him, and only him – just like what Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White had done all these times.

“I wish you could know everything about me too, Jaehyun. Why did you never show yourself in front of me?” Taeyong whispered sadly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong always admires Jung Jaehyun, the junior from the architecture major who had stolen his heart at the first sight.

Jaehyun is handsome and clever, but not popular. Actually, he _is_ popular, but his admirers choose to keep their feelings by themselves rather than saying it out loud because Jaehyun _looks_ scared whenever people talks to him or approach him just so they could look at Jaehyun's handsome face up close. Based on Taeyong’s observation, Jaehyun is not scared, only guarded. Jaehyun is trying hard to push people away of him. Taeyong is dying to know why.

Taeyong had never imagined this before, having Jung Jaehyun – his crush – as his client. Okay, Jaehyun is Taeyong’s uncle’s client, but since his uncle agreed to let Taeyong attend some therapy sessions as an observer, then later let him do the counseling so Taeyong could fulfill his _Abnormal Psychology_ assignment, Jaehyun becomes Taeyong’s client too, right? Indirectly.

 _Dissociative Identity Disorder,_ or _Multiple Personality Disorder._ It would become the perfect project for Taeyong, if only Jaehyun is not the client! Why? Because the therapist and the client should not have a romantic feeling for each other, to maintain the professionalism, code ethic, and a lot of other crucial things related to the therapy. But Taeyong has feeling for Jaehyun, ever since before he knows that Jaehyun is one of his uncle’s clients.

Taeyong had met Jay, the overly confident playboy who’s really good in fighting – he almost broke Taeyong’s arms when Taeyong playfully teased him about his fighting skill. Charming? Yes, but Jay is not Jaehyun. Taeyong only likes Jaehyun.

Taeyong had met all of Jaehyun’s alter egos, but not even once Jaehyun showed himself in front of Taeyong. At first, his uncle suspected maybe Jaehyun’s alter egos are being a spoiled brat, wanting to tricks Taeyong as the new face in their therapy session, maybe also considering him as a threat, so those alter egos repressed Jaehyun, the _real_ one, to not appear in front of Taeyong.

But in the next session, and the next session, Jaehyun could shift in a blink of eyes to one of his alter egos whenever Taeyong came. It’s as if Jaehyun was _intentionally_ hiding himself from Taeyong. Taeyong was wondering why.

“Tae, I know at first I thought it’s a really bad idea letting you into Jaehyun’s therapy. You know DID is a really rare case, and the treatment is very difficult. But now I think there’s something in you, something triggers Jaehyun. I still don’t know what it is, but maybe both of you have connection in the past.” Kim Jae Joong, Taeyong’s uncle, suddenly said those words when Taeyong came over to his place to have the free dinner, making Taeyong shook his head as he frowned deeply, disagreed.

“I met Jaehyun a year ago, uncle. I’m sure I never met him before the college.”

Jaejoong looked at Taeyong intensely, his gaze was really warm and fatherly. “You don’t remember anything before my sister adopted you, Tae.” Jaejoong said carefully.

Taeyong sighed. “Yeah, but… alright, let’s say we met before, but when? And how? And why? As far as I know, Jaehyun comes from a wealthy family. His parents run business and stays in New York. Jaehyun lived there too before he entered the university. There’s no way he and I met in the past! Mom told me she found me in an orphanage in Osaka, though I don’t remember it.”

“Jaehyun was adopted too.”

“What?” Taeyong’s eyes widened in surprised.

“He doesn’t know it. But his alter egos know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong often meets Jaehyun’s alter egos outside of the therapy sessions. He has no idea why it seems like Jay, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White are _following_ him but making their encounter as a coincidence!

They are all unique. They’re all have Jaehyun’s face but with the different personalities, memories, dailies life, skills, and experiences.

Jay often appears whenever there’s danger around Taeyong, even if it only a silly _danger_ such as when Taeyong was clumsily  tripped himself and fell on the stairs because he had too many text books in his hands for the Neuropsychology class.

Taeyong thought Jaehyun’s alter egos would never appear in the campus! Yes, he met them outside of the campus: at the convenience store, on the street around his neighborhood, at the hangang park, at the book store, at the basketball court, at the cofee shop, etc, etc. He never guessed he would meet them at the campus! Campus is the only place where Taeyong could see Jaehyun, the _real_ Jaehyun, not the alter egos, even though Jaehyun doesn’t know Taeyong’s existence.

Jaeyook often appears near the restaurant, food stall, or even in the cooking section in the department store. One day, when Taeyong was really hungry because he had skipped breakfast and lunch, Jaeyook suddenly came to Taeyong’s class, bringing a lunch box.

“It’s a very late lunch, but here… you must’ve been hungry because of the exams. You tend to forget having meals whenever you….” Jaeyook stopped talking as he was grinning shyly, blushing.

It’s scary how Jaeyook could _feel_ how hungry Taeyong was at that moment. How could Jaeyook know? How could Jaeyook know that Taeyong always forgets having meals when he’s too focus on something? How could Jaeyook know Taeyong’s schedule?

“Thank you.” Taeyong said softly as he gave Jaeyook a warm smile, making Jaeyook blushing even more.

“You’re welcome. I found happiness whenever people love my cooking. You know what? I’ll join a cooking competition! And it’s a big, really big, competition! You might see me on the TV later.”

Taeyong smiled. “Really? Wow! You’ll become a great chef, Jaeyook~ah!”

Jaeyook smiled an identical dimples smile with Jaehyun, _of course_ , Taeyong thought.

Taeyong was too engrossed with his own thoughts, so he didn’t hear Jaeyook’s soft murmur. “Maybe I'd find mom and Yuta too. They really love my cooking.”

 

White often appears in the therapy sessions, giving Taeyong a lot of drawings, as usual, communicating with the drawings. Most of the times, the drawing is really abstract, only consisted of colors, sometimes lines with a pastel color, sometimes dots with the nude colors – forming something abstract that conveys his feeling.

Taeyong finds it difficult to interpret White’s drawing. He still has to learn more and gain a lot of experiences like his uncle to be able to understand White’s drawing.

White is really talented. His drawings and paintings could earn him a lot of money if he wants.

Sometimes White’s drawings bring Taeyong to tears, it’s too painful to see the black colors that painting the drawing book when Taeyong asked him about his parents, or his friends, or even just a simple _“How are you today, White?”_ when Taeyong stepped into the therapy room, knew it’s White in front of him because there’re a lot of drawing pencils and books on the floor.

Black. White colored the drawing book with the black.

White only appeared in the campus once. At first Taeyong thought it’s Yoonoh, based on the way he stares at Taeyong. Yoonoh and White have similar expression. Blank.

What’s the difference? Yoonoh is really clean, overly clean, from the head to toes Yoonoh’s body screams “I love clean. Don’t touch me! You’re full of germs!”

Meanwhile White’s shirt is usually full of crayon or drawing pencil stains.

At that time, White was wearing a simple and clean white t-shirt, so Taeyong thought he’s Yoonoh.

White gave Taeyong a drawing. It’s the sea with the beautiful sun rise. There’re 2 little boys sitting on the sands, but Taeyong could only saw their backs.

“Do you want to go to the sea?” Asked Taeyong softly. White shook his head.

Taeyong looked at the drawing again, thinking, there’s oddly a familiar feeling of the drawing, as if he’s been _there_ before.

“Is this your hometown?” Taeyong asked again, this time more carefully.

White nodded.

“Is this boy… you?” Taeyong was pointing at the smaller boy.

White nodded.

Taeyong smiled. “Who’s the boy beside you? Your friend?”

White shook his head.

“Your brother?” Taeyong asked patiently.

White nodded.

Ah, so White has brother. Or _had_.

“What’s his name?”

White took out a small note book and pen from his jeans pocket, writing something, then giving the note to Taeyong.

Taeyong read it. “Yuta? Your brother’s name is Yuta?”

White nodded.

 

Yoonoh often appears in the therapy sessions as much as White. Taeyong could handle Yoonoh well as he himself loves the cleanliness. Heck! His hobby is washing clothes, and he always spends his free time by cleaning his apartment until the floor and the window glass are sparkling and spotless. No, Taeyong doesn’t have an OCD like Yoonoh, but he has mysophobia. Similar, but so much different.

At first, Taeyong thought White would be the most difficult to approach, but it turns out to be Yoonoh.

Yoonoh talks, yes, by mouth, not by the drawings like White. But it’s really difficult to make a conversation with him.

Yoonoh is full of mystery.

 

Jay often appears whenever Taeyong is in a danger, yes, but he often appears unexpectedly too.

“Tu me manques.” Jay smirked cockily as he gave Taeyong a flirty wink.

“What? I don’t understand an alien words, Jay!” Taeyong rolled his eyes.

Jay might be annoying, but Taeyong finds him the most comfortable to talk to.

“It’s a French, dummy!” Jay chuckled. “The meaning is… I miss you.”

Taeyong shook his head. “You just met me… what? 2 hours ago at the convenience store? You rarely come to the therapy session, Jay. What make you come today? It’s so… unexpected.”

Jay shrugged. “Because I miss you, Taeyongie.”

Taeyong let out a deep sigh. “Okay.”

“Don’t you miss me too?” Jay gave Taeyong his cute dimples smile. Adorable, but wicked.

“What would you do if I say I miss you too? Would you tell me about your past?”

Jay shrugged. “No way, Tae!” Jay stood up, leaning closer to Taeyong. “I want having sex with you.”

“JAY!” Taeyong glared.

Jay laughed. “What? Come on, Tae! I know you love my body, or _Jaehyun’s_ body.” Jay’s voice got deeper, a bit dangerous and threatening when he said Jaehyun’s name.

“I saw you checking him out. I saw everything, Tae. I’m the cleverest among us.” Jay smirked proudly and then whispered to Taeyong’s ears seductively. “I never let anyone gives me marks. But I’d let you…”

“Jay….”

“Je t’aime.” Jay cut Taeyong off, again, with the foreign words. His gaze strangely was really soft now.

“What is it?”

“It’s the French words for _I love you_.” Then Jay started talking non stop in French for about 3 minutes, Taeyong didn’t know what the meaning is.

“Why are you so fluent in French, Jay?”

Jay shrugged. “Because I thought those bastards brought you and Yuta to France.”

For a moment, Taeyong could see an anger flashing in Jay’s eyes, the different kind of anger, as if he’s not only angry to the _bastards_ he mentioned before but also to himself. Taeyong saw the sadness and guilt in those dark orbs as well.

“Wait! Yuta?”

Taeyong remembers White’s older brother’s name is Yuta.

“Who's Yuta?”

“My younger brother.”

Taeyong gasped. So, Jay is White’s older brother?

“Jay, you’re White’s older brother?”

Jay laughed, but the laughter didn’t reach his eyes. “What do you mean? White is… fake! Yuta is my younger brother.”

 _Jay aware of Jaehyun’s other alter ego. He knows about White, Jaeyook, and Yoonoh. But they don’t know about Jay._ Taeyong remembers what his uncle said.

Taeyong nodded. “Okay.” He knows its useless making an argument with Jay.

“Or maybe he’s older? I don’t know. I don’t remember well. But I do remember Yuta loves wearing the cherry earrings. You often tease him, you asshole!” Jay was faking the scolding and the glare, but his lips were forming a tender smile.

Taeyong frowned, remembers what his uncle said.

“Really? I often teased Yuta?”

_Who’s Yuta? Do I really have connection with Jaehyun’s past?_

“Please tell me more about him, about you, about…. us.”

Jay shook his head as he was turned around. “I gotta go.”

“Jay?”

“See you later, babe.” Jay turned his head just to give a flirty wink to Taeyong, then ran out of the room, escaping. Maybe escaping Taeyong’s question?

Taeyong sighed. He knows it wouldn’t be easy.

5 minutes later, there’s a soft knock on the door. Taeyong frowned. Who is that?

He walked to open the door. “Jaehyun?” He asked carefully and wished it’s Jaehyun who’s standing in front of him right now.

Jaehyun, or maybe one of Jaehyun’s alter egos, but clearly not Jay nor Jaeyook, walked inside of the room. Then when he reached out for the drawing book and crayon, Taeyong finally knew he’s White.

Taeyong took a peek behind White’s back. White was coloring the page with the black crayon. Everything is black. Only black, without giving any space for another color.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

In the morning, Jaehyun wakes up and sees there’re a lot of bruises, love bites to be exact, on his forearms again.

It’s the second time. The first one gave him a lot of confusions, but this time he’s only curious.

He’s curious why he _desperately_ wants to remember _who_ gave him that marks! There’s _this_ strange feeling tickles inside him, giving him the false sensation such as jealousy.

Why should he feel jealous of someone he couldn’t even remember?! Heck! He even still has no idea of _who_ did this! Jay? Jaeyook?

The bruises don’t look like it’s forced. “Maybe Jay has a lover? Maybe Jay has stopped being a playboy and finally found the one?”

Jaehyun frowns deeply, doesn’t like the idea, at all!

How come his alter ego had found _the one,_ meanwhile he never has any experience in love?!

Jaehyun groans as he buries his face on the pillow. He feels pathetic.

“Damn it! I envy Jay, someone who’s not _real_ for having more experiences and maybe have a _better_ life than me?! Great, Jaehyun. You’re just great.” He feels like punching himself on the face.

Jaehyun traces the bruises with his fingers. It happens again. _Those weird sensations,_ as if someone had lit the fireworks and made him see the beautiful colors and lights on the night sky, feeling warm, safe, and loved.

Jaehyun shakes his head. No way!

He’s not jealous because of someone, whoever he/she is who had given him these marks, is he?

As if Jaehyun wished he’d take Jay’s place and _be marked_ by that _someone_! That’s really disgusting!

How could he yearn for an unknown someone?!

Jaehyun is wondering, is it possible to share the feeling with his alter- ego? Maybe he could feel what Jay feel, and vice versa?

Jaehyun nods. “It’s the only logical explanation, I think.”

Its absurd how could he feels that he is loved by someone whenever he looks at those love bites, meanwhile he has no idea who’s that someone is!

“It’s Jay. It’s because of Jay. It’s because our feeling is connected. Right? It’s because Jay loves _that_ someone and he/she loves Jay back. Right?”

Jaehyun takes a mental note to himself to ask about this matter to his therapist, Kim Jae Joong, later on their therapy session.

Jaehyun frowns. He feels like it’s been centuries since the last time he did the therapy. He had lost the count, how many times since he always wakes up to his another alter ego instead of himself? It’s been too frequent, having no memories for days. He knows it’s because of his alter egos.

His alter egos had showed up more often than before, and it’s scaring him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dissociation : The splitting off of clusters of mental contents from conscious awareness. Dissociation is a mechanism central to dissociative disorders. The term is also used to describe the separation of an idea from its emotional significance and affect, as seen in the inappropriate affect in schizophrenia. Often a result of psychic trauma, dissociation may allow the individual to maintain allegiance to two contradictory truths while remaining unconscious of the contradiction. An extreme manifestation of dissociation is _dissociative identity disorder_ , in which a person may exhibit several independent personalities, each unaware of the others.

 

Taeyong stops reading the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) e-book on his laptop, thinking hard. Jay _knows_ about Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White. Is it a bad sign? Or maybe a good sign? Who knows, maybe it’s a part of the therapeutic process?

 

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states, which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.

B. Recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events that are inconsistent with ordinary forgetting.

C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

D. The disturbance is not a normal part of a broadly accepted cultural or religious practice. Note: In children, the symptoms are not better explained by imaginary playmates or other fantasy play.

E. The symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g.,blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or another medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).

 

“Wow, man, that’s hard!”

Taeyong closes his laptop as soon as he hears Ten’s voice behind him. The Thai boy only gives Taeyong the confused look as he takes a seat next to Taeyong, but a second later a playful smile plasters on his cute face. “It’s not like you’re watching porn.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Of course no! Duh! I’m not Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, who _loves_ watching porn anywhere!”

Ten giggles, his eyes turn crescent. “So, tell me, are you still persistent making the _DID_ as your project?”

Taeyong nods. “Mmmm.” He hums, eyes twinkling with excitement.

 “Dude, that’s hard! I still don’t understand why Professor Kim wants us observing the interventions too, though it’s only for some sessions, and then making a plan of the treatment, then consulting it to our supervisor. It’s not like we’re taking the _clinical psychology_! It’s just the _abnormal psychology_ class for fuck’s sake!”

Taeyong shrugs. “It doesn’t matter for me. You know Ten? I want pursuing a career as a clinical psychologist.” Taeyong’s eyes lit up.

Ten frowns. “I thought you’re still into the _child developmental psychology_?”

Taeyong nods. “Yes.” He says softly. “But… I don’t know. Clinical psychology sounds fun.”

 _Or maybe someone makes it fun._ Taeyong thinks. It’s annoying when he realizes that he doesn’t have enough knowledge of how to handle Jaehyun’s case. So he thinks maybe he’d continue his study, takes the specialty in the clinical psychology later in a post graduate school.

“How about you? What would you do after you graduate?”

Ten shrugs. “Still figures it out.”

“Ten, we’re already in our 4th year! Next semester we’d do our research, and then…”

“Tae, not everyone has the privilege learning what they _love_. And not everyone had planned their future like you.”

Taeyong’s eyes soften. “I become an asshole again, don’t I?”

Ten giggles. “Oh, you _are always_ an asshole. The annoying genius asshole!”

Taeyong laughs along. It’s always nice letting himself feeling free, without any burden, like this. Ten could always manage to pull him out of his shell.

“Johnny invites us to his birthday party at the downtown bar tonight. I expect you to come this time. Let’s have fun!”

Taeyong’s expression turns dark. “I don’t know, Ten. Mr.X may need me. Sometimes…. he came.” Taeyong should not reveal the client’s identity. It’s confidential.

Ten rises one of his brows. “To your uncle’s clinic? Or your place?”

“My place.”

“Holy shit! Are you not afraid of him?”

Taeyong shrugs. “Why should I?”

“One of his identities might try to harm you!”

 _Jay would never harm me_. _Jaeyook? Yoonoh? White? They’re harmless. They even can’t hurt an ant!_ Taeyong thinks. He shook his head. “He won’t.”

“How many alter ego he has?”

“4.”

Ten gives Taeyong the knowing look. “ _So far_ 4\. “ He emphasizes the word. “You do realize that it’s possible for another identity, the new one, the unidentified one, will make an appearance, right? And that’s what make the DID patients dangerous. Okay, one of the reasons that make them dangerous. I believe I don’t have to tell you anymore about it.”

Taeyong smiles, somehow proud of his best friend. Even though Ten declares many times that he _hates_ studying psychology as it is not what he wants, not his passion, not his dream, but Ten manages to always remember what had been taught, though his GPA is just so so, blame him and his laziness in  doing assignments!

“I haven’t heard about your client, Ten.” Taeyong tries to divert Ten’s attention.

Ten heaves a deep sigh. “A woman. In her 50s. Bipolar I disorder, manic-depressive. Shit! It’s scary as hell when she got the manic episode! I wish I got the bipolar II disorder client instead, but…” Ten shrugs.

Taeyong pats Ten’s back brotherly. “So, you _did_ the observation. I thought you’d just copy paste your father’s journal without observing the client directly like what you’ve said last month?”

“He found out I’d cheat when I searched for his old journals in his room, threatening me to tell it to Professor Kim. The hell! I don’t want to retake any of Professor Kim’s classes! No! Not again ever! Remember when I failed his class last year? _Industrial psychology_? Damn! His owl scary eyes were always set on me through the lessons! What’s scarier? He gave me twice amount of the homework! Well, excuse me, I repeat his class not because I’m craving for his oh-so-lovely-perfectionism! I couldn’t count anymore how many times he scolds me during the lessons and presentations. You know how sharp his mouth is. The 1 st year students would cry for sure because of the way he teaches!”

Taeyong laughs. “Professor Kim is a genius! Just be honest, he is the most genius professor in our department, even though the way he teaches is not acceptable for the majority of the students. Oh, I think it’s not only the 1st year student who’d cry. I remember you cried too when he scolds you and calls you names during your presentation about Carl Jung at the _personality psychology_ class in our 3rd semester!”

“I hate you and your good memory!” Ten rolls his eyes.

“You’re welcome.” Taeyong grins playfully.

 Ten sighs. “Knowing how scary professor Kim is, makes me grateful for having my father as my father.”

“Shit! I have your father class in 10 minutes! He’s always punctual! Even coming 5 minutes or more before the class is started! I gotta go!”

Ten put his hand on Taeyong’s shoulder. “Relax. He won’t come, still having a seminar in Tokyo University, but his assistant will.”

Taeyong frowns. “Your father doesn’t have an assistant.”

Ten smirks. “You’re looking at him right now.”

“YOU? No way! No fucking way!”

Ten laughs. “Yeah, I’m not. I’m just a courier delivering his notes. He’d just give you an assignment for next week.” Ten never takes his father’s classes because he thinks it’s weird, plus he wants to avoid the rumor. _‘If I got a good grade, people would think it’s because the lecturer is my dad!’_ At that time Taeyong just laughed it off, knowing Ten inside out, it’s not the actual reason. Ten only doesn’t want his father monitoring him about the subjects at their home too. So, Ten always choose another professor, even though it makes him separated with Taeyong and couldn’t copy Taeyong’s homework.

Taeyong sighs in relieved. “Alright.”  But he still puts his laptop and book into his bag.

“Where’d you going?”

“Class.” Taeyong’s voice sounds as if he’s saying _‘of course class, you dumbass!’_

Ten chuckles softly. “You could just ask me about the assignment, you know? Why bother going to class? Because of the attendance? Tae, I have the attendance form with me! Tell me again why I love being best friends with a straight-A student!”

Taeyong smirks. “Because I’m hot.”

“And the cocky one, sadly.” Ten’s smile gets wider.

Taeyong laughs as he grabs Ten’s hand. “Come on assistant! Let’s go to _our_ class. I want to see you _act_ as your father’s assistant.”

Ten hits Taeyong’s shoulder. “Silly. I won’t say anything in front of the class.”

“Then how do you explain the assignment?”

“I just need to show the notes. That’s all. Your class’s leader could handle it.”

Taeyong groans. “It’s not fun! Come on Ten, I want to see you _talk_ in front of the class as if you’re a lecturer. It must’ve been fun!”

Ten shakes his head. He knows, Taeyong says it to encourage him facing his fear. Yes, even though Ten is really talkative in front of Taeyong and his other friends, actually Ten has the severe anxiety whenever he have to talk in front of many people. He’s better now, but still… if he could, he’d prefer to not talking in front of many people.

Ten links his arm around Taeyong’s, walking side by side to Taeyong’s next class, _multicultural psychology_. “Let me enjoy my free time, Tae. I don’t have any classes until later, at 3 pm. Oh! I haven’t finished my chapter report for the _positive psychology_ class! Which is reminding me why I came to the library! I know you’d be there. Let me copy yours!”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “What’s your reason now, Chittaphon? Pokemon go? Or binge watching drama? Or getting wasted at the bar?”

Ten laughs as he shakes his head. “Nope. It’s because of Hansol hyung, my cousin. He talked to me nonstop last night about his boyfriend. I swear, Tae, I intended to do my homework last night! Honest.” Ten pouts, blinking his eyes several times, making cute faces, but Taeyong still doesn’t say anything nor reacts to any of Ten’s cute efforts, so Ten adds. “Based on what my cousin said, I suspect his boyfriend has a mental disorder. Schizophrenia, maybe? But I know it’s too early to say. Who am I making such diagnose just based on a story and not a direct observation?! So, I suggested him to make a consultation with a psychologist, or a psychiatrist even better, so his brain’s structure could also be examined. Because hallucinations and delusions are not only the schizophrenic’s symptom. Also, who am I? Just a lazy-ass student who doesn't master psychology. We have to be careful about the diagnoses.”

“Tell him to come to my uncle’s clinic.”

Ten grins as he pokes Taeyong’s waist lightly. “Eeey, making a promotion.” Ten shakes his head. “Hansol hyung and his boyfriend live in Paris, Tae.”

“Oh.”

“Does your uncle only have a few clients lately?”

Taeyong nods. “Yeah, I want diverting his focus on Jae- I mean Mr.X.”

Ten furrows his brows, but he doesn’t say anything.

Taeyong curses himself silently in his head for almost saying Jaehyun’s name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s scary how Taeyong feels too attached to Jaehyun, or maybe to Jaehyun’s alter egos. Just like tonight, he’s wondering why White, or Jaeyook, or Yoonoh, or Jay still not have come to Taeyong’s home. Usually, every night, one of Jaehyun’s alter egos comes to Taeyong’s place. Jaehyun’s _alter ego,_ not the _real_ Jaehyun! The real Jaehyun still never shows himself up in front of Taeyong. It’s a big question for Taeyong, he’s been dying to know the reason, and he’s been searching for the answers through Jaehyun’s alter egos who seem to know more about Jaehyun’s past than Jaehyun himself. He’s still got nothing though. There’s no lead to their connection in the past except for what Jay said that day.

_“Because I thought those bastards brought you and Yuta to France.”_

_“My younger brother.”_

_“Or maybe he’s older? I don’t know. I don’t remember well. But I do remember Yuta loves wearing the cherry earrings. You often tease him, you asshole!”_

After that day, no matter how hard Taeyong tries to dig into Jay’s past deeper, Jay never let him. Jay has been building the high invisible walls around him, camouflaging those walls as some silly jokes whenever Taeyong tries to crack through them.

Yuta. That’s the only lead Taeyong have gotten so far. White said Yuta is his older brother. Jay said Yuta is his brother (not clear though whether he’s older or younger) but they clearly had connection. Yuta, Jaehyun, and Taeyong had connection. What kind of connection and what kind of life they had before are still unknown.

Taeyong still doesn’t know about Jaeyook and Yoonoh. Who’s Yuta for them?

Yoonoh is the most difficult to approach to. He doesn’t want to talk if he and Taeyong fail to make an agreement, even for just a simple thing like how their therapy room should looks like. And if Taeyong accidentally misplaced _things_ in the room, if it’s not meet Yoonoh’s taste, then Yoonoh would refuse to talk. The younger boy would only glares at Taeyong with the judgmental look until Taeyong follow what he wants.

Jaeyook, even though he’s friendly and talkative, he never talks about his past. Jaeyook talks about anything but his past.

White draws a lot of pictures, like usual, though Taeyong wishes White would write instead whenever Taeyong asks him about his past, or about Yuta. White could write, but why he prefers draw? It’s still a mystery.

Taeyong has been keeping it as a secret from his uncle, about the fact of Jaehyun’s alter egos always come to his place every night. His instinct told him to do so. Although he knows it’s crossing the line. He shouldn’t have done it. Jaehyun is his uncle’s client. Taeyong have to report anything, everything, no matter how unimportant it looks – regarding Jaehyun – to his uncle. Even the simplest thing could affect the therapy process.

Yes, Taeyong aware of it. Yes, he knows he’s being selfish, but he can’t help it. If Taeyong is the triggers of Jaehyun’s disorder, just like what his uncle said, then Taeyong wants to help Jaehyun as a friend. No, Taeyong will not include everything on his observation report. Taeyong wants to help Jaehyun not because he has to, but he wants to, because Jaehyun is someone important for him. Love? It’s too early to say its love, but Taeyong knows he _likes_ Jaehyun. He’s been liking Jaehyun since the first time he laid his eyes on the younger in the library more than a year ago.

Taeyong’s phone is ringing.

_Ten is calling…_

“Johnny said he’d kick your ass to another galaxy if you’re still not here in 30 minutes.”

Taeyong chuckles “I haven’t bought any present yet.”

“Just come. He said he misses you.”

Taeyong smiles. Johnny is Ten’s best friend since they’re in high school. Ten introduced Taeyong to Johnny almost 3 years ago when Johnny picked Ten up at the campus. At first, Taeyong thought Johnny and Ten are a thing, though later he found out both of them are only best friends, and they’re straight, yeah based on their confessions but Taeyong could sense _something_ between them.

Taeyong doesn’t know Johnny _that_ well, he only knows the basic, and they’re not always hangs out together. Taeyong likes spending his free times at home, reading books, sleeping, and cleaning better than spending times outside. It’s not because he doesn’t like socializing. It’s just because he treasures his “me-time” more.

Taeyong knows, Ten always spends his free times with Johnny. Ten always _makes a time_ for Johnny, no matter how busy he is. It’s just a matter of priority, he once said.

It’s not unusual for Ten, making a request to Taeyong, pretending that Ten is with him instead of with Johnny at ‘ _Taeyong no idea where’_ , whenever Ten’s father calling him. Yes, Taeyong has been telling lies so many times in front of Ten’s father. Taeyong agrees to Ten’s request, because it’s Johnny. He knows Johnny would never harm Ten. He knows Johnny would protect Ten, though Johnny never said it out loud, but Taeyong could see it in Johnny’s eyes.

Until today, Taeyong has no idea why Ten’s father seems like disapproving Ten and Johnny’s friendship. Yes, Johnny is not the straight-A student like Taeyong, but Johnny is not _that_ bad!

Johnny doesn’t go to college, but he works for his father’s company. Taeyong doesn’t know anything about the company because Ten and Johnny never bring it into their conversations whenever they’re hangs out together. But based on Taeyong’s observation, Johnny’s family must’ve been well-off. Taeyong had seen Johnny picks Ten up with his limited edition sport cars, not only two or three luxurious cars, Taeyong had lost the count. Maybe Johnny’s father’s company is related to cars distribution or service. Yeah, maybe. That’s what Taeyong has been thinking.

Johnny loves clubbing, partying, and racing car (based on what Ten said, even though Tayeong never attends any of Johnny’s street competitions). Johnny’s life is free and wild, but as far as Taeyong knows Johnny never do drugs.

Johnny is a caring, loyal, and funny boy. Taeyong feels happy whenever he had a chance to hang out with Johnny and Ten, if he’s not too lazy to sacrifice his “me-time”. Usually they watch movies, but more often pigs out – trying different desserts and cakes at the new cafes since they’re all have sweet tooth.

“Taeyong? Taeyong? Hello, Taeyong?” Ten’s voice pulls Taeyong out of his deep thoughts. “Are you with Mr.X right now?”

“Huh? No.”

“You sound upset.”

 _Do I?_ Taeyong thinks.

“Let’s have fun then! Don’t worry, there’re a lot of desserts too. Johnny had prepared it special for you, knowing you can’t handle alcohol well.”

Taeyong smiles. “I’ll be there in 20 minutes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong had never imagined he’d meet Jaehyun in Johnny’s birth day party.

“Taeyongiiiiiii! Finally! I almost kick you out to the outer space!” Johnny grins as he envelops Taeyong in a bones-crushing hug.

"Happy birthday, John!" Taeyong returns the hug, but his eyes are on Jaehyun.

Jaehyun gazes at him back, showing him a flirty and playful smirk. Taeyong’s eyes widen in disbelief. _No way!_

“Monsieur Lee.” Jaehyun, _NO! IT’S JAY!_ making a salute with two fingers as he’s walking closer to Taeyong and Johnny, flashing them his adorable dimples smile. He leans closer to Taeyong. “Hey hottie!” Jay’s cute smile turns into a half seductive smirk when he’s whispering those words to Taeyong’s ear in his deep sexy voice.

“Jay?”

“So you recognize me?” When Jay pulls away, his smirk turns into an innocent smile again, as if he doesn’t want Johnny sees his smirk earlier!

 _Of course I recognize you, Jay! Jaehyun, Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White would never talk in French and flirt with me!_ Taeyong said inside his head.

“You both know each other?” Johnny asks. His eyes widen. Surprised.

“Yes.” Jay answers. He grabs Taeyong’s wrist. “I can have Taeyong, right?”

“O-of course.” Johnny nods quickly.

Taeyong frowns, doesn’t understand why Johnny acts like that. As if he respects Jay a lot. As if Jay is his boss or what!

Jay drags Taeyong into a VIP room at the 2nd floor. They couldn’t hear the loud music there, which is Tayeong feeling thankful for. But he’s still not like the idea of Jay treating Taeyong as if he is Jay’s property.

“You _can’t_ have me, Jay. I’m not a thing!”

Jay pushes Taeyong’s shoulders a bit rough, makes Taeyong sit on the sofa. “Who’s says I think of you as a thing? You’re my person, Taeyongie.”

“I’m not!” Taeyong glares in a cold way. “And you just treat me as a thing too, earlier. Like I’m your bitch!”

Jay smirks as he pours himself a drink then sits beside Taeyong. “You are.” Jay’s husky voice is full of something irrefutable, full of authority and possessiveness.

Taeyong heaves a deep sigh, trying to calm his nerves. “Give me the drink!”

Jay chuckles. “I want to, but not tonight. I’d have an important business later.”

“What’s the connection, Jay? It’s not like I’d come with you for the business!”

“You can’t handle alcohol well, Taeyongie.”

Taeyong frowns. “How could you know?”

Jay only answers Taeyong’s question with a nonchalant shrug.

“Don’t worry, Ten or Johnny would drive me home.” Taeyong tries to snatch the drink away of Jay’s grip, but Jay’s reflexes are good.

“I’d never let you drink again, Taeyong. Not when I’m not around. You’re dangerous when you’re drunk.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “You sound like my daddy and mommy. Always worried whenever I’m drunk.”

Jay’s eyes darken. “If you say daddy once again, I may loose it.”

For a moment, Taeyong doesn’t say anything, thinking. Then when he understands, he curses. “Shit! You asshole! Pervert!”

 “I prefer being called dickhead though.” Jay winks, earning a hard smack and kick from Taeyong.

“Fuck you!”

“Not tonight, babe.”

“Stop it, Jay! It’s so lame and disgusting! Why are you always relating anything to sex?”

“Because I’m a demigod?”

Taeyong scoffs. “Yea, right.” He says sarcastically.

“Go grab a dessert outside, then come here again to cuddle.” Jay grins. Taeyong glares. Jay lifts both of his hands. “Kidding. Let’s talk about your latest painting. Have you finished it?”

“Huh? I never told you about my painting!”

Taeyong loves painting on a canvas, as a hobby, but he thinks he’s not good enough. He once talked about it to White. How could Jay know? Jay and White are not supposed to feel each other’s feelings!

“You think you told White that night. But it’s me. You’re drunk, Taeyongie. You’re lucky you were at home that night, and even luckier because it’s me. I would never take advantage of you.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “You? I don’t believe you. You’re a pervert, Jay! You won’t miss any chance to….” Taeyong stops talking when he sees Jay’s serious expression, he bit his lower lip to prevent himself from insulting Jay even more. “I-I’ll go get a dessert. D-do you want some?” Taeyong never stutters in front of Jay before! _Damn! Jay is so scary and intimidating when he puts his serious expression!_

As if sensing Taeyong’s uneasiness, Jay smiles. “Yes, bring me the mango dessert. I won’t drink tonight.” He puts the drink on the desk.

Taeyong nods. “Alright.” He hesitates for awhile but saying it in the end. “I’ll be back. Please wait.”

Jay smirks. “I’ll wait for you no matter how long, Honey.”

Taeyong heaves a sigh. It’s a good sign. Whenever Jay acts playful, it’s a good sign to _talks._

Taeyong shook his head, still can’t erase Jay’s dark and scary expression earlier from his mind.

“I know you won’t take long, Taeyongie.” Jay grins, mistaking Taeyong’s gesture.

Taeyong laughs, a bit nervous. “Ha ha, right.” He realizes he sounds weird right now.

Taeyong wishes he could make Jay talk something about his past tonight.

 

“Taeyong~ah!” After Taeyong walks out of the VIP room, when he walks downstairs to get the desserts, Johnny and Ten are running to him in hurry.

“How could you know Jay hyung? Oh my God! I can’t believe this!” Ten shakes Taeyong’s arm, grinning wide and dumbly, almost look like a fanboy when he finds out that his best friend is dating his idol.

“Are you his fuck buddy or his lover?” Johnny asks to the point, making Taeyong glares sharply at him. “Not both!”

“Then why did he treat you like that? Also, the way he looks at you is... different. What are your relationship? You're not... secretly his right hand or what, right?”

“He’s my…. friend.”

Johnny’s eyes widen even more. “No way!” Johnny whispers, still in disbelief, Taeyong wondering why.

Ten squeals. “Jay hyung is the best and the hottest racer I’ve ever seen! Jesus! How could you friend with him and never tell me?!”

Taeyong sighs. He wants telling Ten _‘He’s not Jay! He’s Jung Jaehyun! The 2 nd year of architecture in our university!’_ But he holds it in. Of course, Ten doesn’t know Jaehyun.

“Holy shit! Lee Taeyong, I never knew you’re into a boss before. A mobster boss! Man! I never knew Jay hyung has a friend! You must’ve been special!” Johnny slaps Taeyong’s back playfully.

“What? Boss?”

Johnny nods. “Mmm. He’s my dad’s business partner. He’s the heir of the rabbit.”

Taeyong gapes. Oh, so that’s why Ten’s father doesn’t approve Ten and Johnny’s friendship, because Johnny is the mafia boss’s son.

But that’s not _too_ important right now as Taeyong realizes something way more important. “The rabbit is real?”

Johnny laughs. “Of course! What make you think it’s not real? The rabbit is more powerful than the wolf, my father’s gang. It’s even scarier than the scorpion! You know the scorpion, right?”

No, Taeyong doesn’t know anything about a gang!

Taeyong doesn’t answer Johnny. He’s still shocked because of the news!

How come the rabbit is real? The rabbit is just an imaginary thing! Jay is not real! The rabbit is not real!

Taeyong shakes his head. ‘ _Jay is not real! He’s only one of Jaehyun’s alter egos! Jay is not real! If Jay is real, then Jaehyun is not! So, Jay is not real! He shouldn’t be!”_

  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************* ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Paris, France.

Hansol fidgeting on his chair. He’s been nervously waiting for Sa-chan, his boyfriend, to come to the Korean restaurant near Hansol’s office.

“This is the day.” Hansol thinks. Today his boyfriend would introduce Hansol to his younger brother, the closest person for his boyfriend, someone whom Sa-chan loves so much. Sa-chan even said, he could take a bullet for shielding his brother.

Sa-chan’s brother is a bit... weird and mysterious. Whenever Hansol comes to Sa-chan’s apartment, he’s always hiding or even running out of the apartment and prefer to crash into his friend’s place instead, doesn’t want meeting Hansol, Sa-chan said he’s still not ready. _“He’s here before, but I don’t know where he is right now. Maybe he’s hiding in his room. Just check his room, Sol hyung.”_

_“He’s not there.”_

_“Maybe he’s hiding somewhere. He often did it too when we stayed in Osaka.”_

_Hansol once asked. “How old is he?”_

_“19.”_

Isn’t 19 is a bit too old to act shy and act childishly such as playing hide and seek with Hansol?! Yes, Hansol calls it hide and seek, because whenever Hansol wants meeting Sa-chan’s brother, he flees, hiding to only God knows where!

 _It’s a different case if Sa-chan’s brother has some sort of… you know, something different in the head?_ That’s what Hansol thinks. He _decides_ to think like that. Hansol never judging him, only curious. If Sa-chan loves his brother more than he loves his own life, then Hansol sure he’d love him too, even when he’s irresponsible and rude.

Hansol remembers clearly, one day, when Sa-chan invited him over to his place for dinner, Sa-chan’s brother did something irresponsible. That evening, when Hansol came over, he’s really surprised finding out Sa-chan’s apartment flooded with water. Water everywhere, in the living room, bed room, dining room, but not kitchen since the kitchen’s door was closed. The waters reached up to Hansol’s ankles!

“It’s from the bathtub! My brother must’ve been forgets to turn it off. I’ve said to turn it off later after he finished taking a bath. I took a bath before him then filled the water for him. Why he have to fill it again?” Sa-chan sighed. “I’ve been busy cooking for our dinner, so I didn’t know. Hansol hyung, could you call him and tell him to come home? I’m wondering where he is. Maybe he’s at his friend’s place again.”

Hansol tried dialing Sa-chan’s brother’s phone, but the numbers were not registered. Weird, right? Hansol thought maybe he had lost his phone or someone had stolen it and deactivated the numbers right away. Hansol kept trying calling the numbers for more than 5 hours even though he knows it’s useless. He did it just because Sa-chan panicked, afraid if something bad happened to his baby brother, and Hansol couldn’t persuade him to call the police for help.

“No! We can’t trust the police!” Sa-chan’s orbs were filled with the anger. It’s the first time Hansol saw his boyfriend being angry. And it’s not a simple anger. There’s a pain too inside it.

“Let’s search for him!” Sa-chan suggested.

“How does he look like? He doesn’t have… any picture in his room. Do you have his picture?”

Sa-chan shook his head. “He’s scared taking picture. So I don’t have any. Just… search for a tall boy with the fair skins and dimples, he has the really deep dimples both on his cheeks. His hair… black, ah, no, he just dyed it to brown, this long. And he’s as tall as you, hyung.”

Hansol nodded. “Alright.”

After searching for almost 6 hours, finally Sa-chan’s brother called Sa-chan using his friend’s phone and telling Sa-chan he’d sleep over at his friend’s place. Finally, Sa-chan could breath.

Not only that night Hansol witnessed how irresponsible Sa-chan’s brother is. The most dangerous accident was when Sa-chan had to suddenly go to the campus because his professor calling him regarding his theater club’s festival. That day, Sa-chan’s apartment was almost burned if only Hansol didn’t come over to take his wallet when he had his lunch break, he forgot taking it the night before.

Before heading to the campus, Sa-chan had told his brother to continue heating and stirring the chicken soup for 10 more minutes, then turn off the stove. But he didn’t do it. He, once again, just went to his friend’s place.

Hansol was really mad at that time. He wanted to give Sa-chan’s brother an advice. Hansol often secretly coming to Sa-chan’s place just to meet him, but he always hides, and Hansol could never find him anywhere.

Hansol had lost the count how often Sa-chan’s brother did the irresponsible things. So, thinking positively, Hansol concluded, maybe Sa-chan’s brother is a bit _special_.

Sa-chan is a Japanese who hates eating Japanese food. Don’t you dare showing any Japanese food in front of Sa-chan! He’d cry for days. Up until now, even though Hansol and Sa-chan have been in a relationship for 8 months, there’re still a lot of things Hansol haven’t known about Sa-chan, including the reason why Sa-chan hates having Japanese food, even mentioning its name would bring him to tears.

Sa-chan is really fluent in French, English, and Korean. He barely knows katakana, hiragana, moreover kanji. Hansol still doesn’t know the reason, but Hansol guesses maybe Sa-chan was adopted when he’s baby. That’s why he can’t speak and write in Japanese.

Yes, Hansol had met Sa-chan’s parents once. It’s a bit too early, he knows, but he’s being serious with Sa-chan, and he wants getting know Sa-chan’s family better.

Sa-chan is a year younger than Hansol, just got accepted at the university last year. He said he had taken a break in high school before because of his health, and graduated a bit late than others, _too_ late even. He should’ve been in his last year in university by now, or even graduated.

Their first meeting is a bit funny. It happened when Hansol was being asked to train his juniors in the theater club. Hansol is really good on the stages. He had played a lot of main roles. So, it’s understandable when his professor asked him to train his junior every weekend even though at that time Hansol had graduated from the university.

 There’s this boy, when Hansol asked for his name, he refused telling Hansol his real name.

“Well, excuse me, it’s not my pick up line!”

“Really? It sounds like a cheesy and very lame pick up line for me! You said _bonjour, can you speak in French or English? You look like a Korean, just like me. What’s your name?_ ” The boy was mimicking Hansol. “Then when I said I’m half Japanese, half French, and said my name, also I was talking in Korean for God’s sake! Why did you ask for my name again in Japanese?!”

“I can’t see the cheesiness! I just asked for your name! Jesus!” Hansol tried to hold in his smile.

“And I’ve told you what’s my name!” The boy glared.

“Sasuke Leroy? Dude, I know who Sasuke is. Naruto’s friend, right? Why don’t you say Sasuke Uchiha then? Why Sasuke Leroy? Don’t fool me, kid.”

The boy’s glare turned sharper. “Don’t call me kid! Just because I’m shorter doesn’t mean I’m younger than you! And don’t be disrespectful! My name is Sasuke. Leroy is my family name!”

Hansol raised his brow. “Really? Show me your id then!” He smirked arrogantly, thinking he had won. But, holy shit! When the shorter boy showed Hansol his id card, Hansol was… speechless. The boy’s name is really Sasuke Leroy!

“Sa-chan. I’d call you Sa-chan from now on. Sasuke is a bit…” Hansol proposed it after they had known each other for a month, after regularly meeting in the theater club.

“Don’t laugh! Don’t you dare laughing!”

“Hahahaha! Sa-chan! Aaaw, so cute! Your name is really cute, just like you.”

Hansol smiles, remembering how he and Sa-chan met is so fascinating. It never fails to make his heart warm.

His nostalgias are interrupted with the lovely voice he has remembered by heart.

“Sol hyuuuung!” Sa-chan sings.

“Sa-chaaaan!” Hansol stands up abruptly then hugs his boyfriend. God! Hansol really loves it whenever he hugs Sa-chan. Sa-chan is so perfect in his arms.

“I’ve been waiting for almost 30 minutes.” Hansol pouts, even though he hates acting cute, but Sa-chan loves seeing him acting cute, so he often did it to win Sa-chan’s heart.

 Sa-chan giggles as he caresses Hansol’s face tenderly. “I’m so sorry my baby honey Hansolie hyungie~ hehehe, it’s because of my brother. He styled his hair, wants you calling him handsome.”

Hansol smiles. “It’s alright, Sa-chan.”

Sa-chan’s smile gets wider. “Hansol hyung, let’s meet my younger brother, finally he’s ready to meet you.”

Right when Hansol would ask _‘Where is he?_ ’ Sa-chan says “Yoonoh, this is Ji Hansol, my boyfriend. Hansol hyung, this is Yoonoh, my baby brother. We have different parents, but we’re brothers.” Sa-chan smiles as he turns his head to his right side then to Hansol. He keeps doing it repeatedly.

“Eh?” Hansol confused.

“Sol hyung, why don’t you shake Yoonoh’s hand?” Sa-chan frowns. “Yoonoh, don’t worry baby, maybe Hansol hyung is just being shy.” Sa-chan smiles as he talks to Yoonoh – who’s supposed to stand beside him – but Hansol can’t see anyone! There’s no one beside Sa-chan.

Hansol is only standing, dumbfounded. Then when a waitress walks by passing them, Hansol calls her. “Excuse me! Do you see someone standing next to that boy?” Hansol whispers.

The waitress shakes her head. “No, Sir. He’s standing alone.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading your comments and seeing your up-votes (at asianfanfics) and kudos here (at ao3) made me want writing this chapter sooner. :))  
> Please let me know what you think of this story. :)
> 
> Could you guess who gave Jaehyun the love bites? And to whom? Jay? Jaeyook? Yoonoh? White? Or maybe… an unidentified alter ego?  
> Do you think “the rabbit” is real?  
> Who’s Sa-chan / Sasuke Leroy? What happened to him? Did he talks to a ghost or… what?
> 
> If you read carefully, maybe you could guess it right, at least for the last question. :))
> 
> Thank you for reading! ^^  
> I don’t know when I’d update the next chapter because I’d getting busier with university projects. But who knows, maybe if your comments trigger me to write, I’d find a time to write. So, don’t hesitate to write something, to let me know your thoughts regarding of this story! I’d accept the constructive criticism as well. Don’t worry, I won’t bite you. :)))
> 
> P.S. All of my stories are not beta-ed. So, please forgive the misspelling or grammatical errors, and just tell me which one I have to correct. Or, maybe is there any of you willing to be my beta reader? :)


	3. Chapter 3

Jaehyun wakes up with a heavy headache, again. For these past few days, he's been constantly having a really painful headache, sometimes followed by the morning sickness.

Jaehyun walks slowly to the kitchen as he massages his temples, puling out a bottle of cold mineral water from the fridge to clear his mind, then walks back to his bedroom and throws himself on the bed.

Jaehyun closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. He’s lucky this morning he doesn’t get the morning sickness, but he feels fatigue, as if he has no energy left.

He’s wondering why he feels like that. Is it because of his alter ego? What his alter ego had done to make him feeling the side effects?

Jaehyun opens his eyes, lifts up his arms, inspecting. There isn’t any bruise nor any cuts.

He brings his fingers up to trace his face. There isn’t any sting sensation anymore on the corner of his mouth, there’s no drained blood, and his face looks perfectly fine aside of the swollen face, eye-bags, and the dark circles which are just indicating the lacks of sleep.

He has no memory of the night before, like usual. Not only since last night actually, but also since the last afternoon. He can’t remember what he had done after spending his time at the library to do his assignments. He doesn’t remember walking back to the apartment. He’s curious who took over his consciousness at that time.

Jaehyun reaches out for his phone, slides his thumb to unlock the screen, then gasps loudly as his eyes widen. “No way…” He mutters, dumbstruck as he looks at the time and the date.

Jaehyun shakes his head. “No... no way….” He keeps enchanting his disbelief, wishing it’s only a dream. His heart is racing fast as he presses his therapist’s numbers.

“Jaehyun ssi?”

As soon as Jaehyun hears Kim Jae Joong’s calming voice, he starts rambling. “I thought I only lost a night like usual, or maybe a few days like how it has been for these past few months, but this time turns out I’ve lost… 5 weeks. How could that possible?! It’s too long. I’m scared. Did I… meet you? I mean, Jay? Jaeyook? White? Yoonoh?”

“Yes. I met White and Yoonoh. I don’t know about Jay and Jaeyook since they never came to the therapy sessions last month, but based on White and Yoonoh’s condition, I guess Jay had been taking control most of the time. Seems like he had the fight a lot. Then I didn’t hear from any of your alter egos for these past 10 days. I’ve been keep coming back to your apartment to check on you but you’re always not at home.”

Jaehyun heaves a deep sigh. “I’m at home right now.”

“How do you feel? Are you alright?”

Jaehyun nods. “I’m alright, just the usual headache. I can’t believe I’ve lost myself for more than a month! Is it a bad sign?”

“It is. Jaehyun, I know the hypnosis process is a torture for you….”

Jaehyun closes his eyes, his breathing uneven. Ever since his therapist did the hypnosis to dig into his unconscious recollections, he feels like his world crumbles down. The hypnosis let him remember a lot of horrible things that at first he was certain he never had any of those, but now he’s not sure anymore which one is real and which one is not.

Some of the memories are really familiar, because he knows he’s been dreaming about it some times ago. Those nightmares, which at first he thought only the _nightmares_ turn out to be _memories_.

“Jaehyun, I know you hate it. But what Yoonoh said last month makes me worried. We have to explore a lot of information about your past, so I can think of the best treatment for you. Jae, safely express and process your painful memories are the part of the therapeutic process. You’re brave, Jae. I believe you can do it. I believe in you.”

Jaehyun sighs. “Ok. I’ll come over to your clinic later. I have the midterm exams this week. My study might be not important for Jay and the others, but it is really important for me.”

“Alright. Please be careful, and please don’t take the bus.”

“W-why?”

“Yoonoh said something related to your past. I’m afraid taking a bus would trigger Yoonoh. He had remembered many things, and had been trying to harm himself.”

Jaehyun wants to ask further about Yoonoh to Jaejoong, but he have to hurry if he doesn’t want to miss the class.

After he ends the call, he’s scrolling through the history page on his phone’s browser. He had lost his own consciousness for 5 weeks, but right now his phone is fully charged. So, he’s sure someone (his alter ego) must’ve been using his phone. He knows Jaeyook has his own phone. And Jay likely will never borrow Jaehyun’s phone since Jay is too secretive and has been openly stating that he hates Jaehyun.

White? _Could White use the phone?_

Yoonoh? _What had he remembered? Why did he try harming himself?_

Jaehyun’s eyes widen as he reads through the browser’s history page.

**_10 Effective Ways to Kill Yourself Without Leaving Any Traces._ **

**_Is There Any Method So You Will Not Feel Any Pain When You Kill Yourself?_ **

**_Let’s Join Us and Die Together!_ **

**_The Best Suicide Group. Meet Us at…._ **

Jaehyun suddenly feels nausea. He doesn’t continue reading the titles of each site.

_Yoonoh has been attempting the self-harming._

Yoonoh has been searching many ways to kill himself. Yoonoh didn’t know that if he killed himself, he also would kill Jaehyun.

Jaehyun is shaking. Cold sweats all over his palms.

_Why? Why did Yoonoh try killing himself? What had Yoonoh remembered? Does Yoonoh’s memories are more painful and scarier than Jaehyun’s memories? Or actually they share the same memories?_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s 5 pm now, and Jaehyun has an appointment with his therapist at 7.30.

Jaehyun couldn’t focus on his exams today as his mind was wandering on Yoonoh. He wishes Yoonoh could know his existence like Jay and Jaeyook did. Jaehyun doesn’t understand why his therapist never letting Yoonoh and White know anything about Jaehyun, or letting Jaeyook know about Jay. Why does his therapist never let him talk to Jay, Yoonoh, and White like what he had done to Jaeyook?

Jaehyun is walking to the library now, deciding to study there instead of at his apartment. Jaehyun knows Jay hates books. Jay would never make an appearance at the library. Letting Jay take control over his body and his consciousness is the last thing he would do at this moment. Once Jay takes control, it’s hard to shift back unless Jay wanting it. Jaeyook, Yoonoh, and White’s disappearance could be triggered by something, such as how White would disappear when he sees flames or whenever the weather is too hot; and how Yoonoh would disappear when his surrounding is too dirty and messy, although Yoonoh loves cleaning in an excessive manner, Yoonoh often escapes it as well. But what’s triggering Jay is still unknown. Jay comes and goes whenever he wants.

Jaehyun doesn’t realize he has arrived at the library since he’s been too busy thinking on the way there. He walks to take a seat on one of the huge empty desks, but suddenly hears a loud thud and gasp in front of him, and so he looks up just to find a grey haired man, shorter than him by a head, with a huge eyes and pretty lips is looking straight at him.

Jaehyun doesn’t bump into the man, but why did the man drops his books? Jaehyun is wondering why. As a gentleman he is, he helps the man collecting the books on the floor, and then handing them back to the grey haired man in front of him who’s still standing like a statue, _a pretty mannequin_ , Jaehyun thinks, aside of his eyes, because his eyes is filled with the overflowing emotions Jaehyun couldn’t pinpoint what.

Jaehyun frowns. The grey haired man is still staring at him intensely. Jaehyun feels uncomfortable under the man’s gaze, because it’s as if the man is expecting something from him.

“I’m sorry.” The man whispers. Jaehyun’s frown gets deeper when he sees the tears pool in the corner of the grey haired man’s eyes. Before Jaehyun asking what’s wrong, the man turns around and walks to the farthest desk across the room, far away from Jaehyun.

“Who is he? He seems recognizing me.” Jaehyun mumbles. He glances at the man from time to time, and when the man catches his stare and stares back at him, he swears there’s something strange stirring inside his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun wakes up, feeling distorted and aroused. Both of his wrists are pinned down on the bed, and there’s someone – a man – laying on the top of him, sucking and nibbling on his neck.

“Who are you? Where am I?” Jaehyun panicked. He’s aware that he’s shirtless. Thanks God he’s still wearing his jeans!

“Jay…” A half naked man on top of Jaehyun moans as he keeps sucking on Jaehyun’s skin, leaving red marks. Jaehyun struggles to free himself, but the man’s grip is too strong. The man is nibbling roughly on Jaehyun’s pinned arms right now.

 _‘Jay took over my consciousness and disappears in the middle of… no way!’_ Jaehyun shakes his head, terrified.

“Jay, when would you fuck me? You always let me tease you. Are you made of stone?” The man is hovering over Jaehyun now, grinning dumbly. Jaehyun could smell the alcohol coming from the man’s mouth, and what makes him surprised is the man’s face! He’s the grey haired man Jaehyun met in the library this afternoon, _only if today is still the same day as when Jaehyun met the man_. Jaehyun needs to look at the calendar on his phone to know precisely how long Jay had taken over his consciousness.

Jaehyun’s heart is beating faster in a different beat now as he has known who’s lying on the top of him. He’s not terrified anymore, but… he shakes his head. _‘No way! No fucking way! I shouldn’t have this kind of feeling towards Jay’s lover!’_

The grey haired man is still grinning, whispering gibberish about many things Jaehyun couldn’t understand, clearly drunk. Jaehyun runs his fingers through the man’s soft hair, and then move down slowly to the man’s face, feeling the velvety of the man’s skin against his fingertips.

Jaehyun shakes his head again. He’s not someone who’d take advantage of the drunken man, moreover Jay’s lover, _possibly_ , or Jay’s fuck buddy, _maybe_?

Jaehyun sighs deeply. _It’s not fair_ , he thinks, _how Jay could get this attractive man laying on the top of him and asking to be fucked?!_

Jaehyun doesn’t like this man. Okay, he maybe thinks this man is attractive before. This man strangely made Jaehyun feels some weird feelings inside of his chest when he saw him in the library, and now Jaehyun’s desire tells him to fuck this man senseless just like what this man had asked earlier. But Jaehyun would become a jerk if he did that!

“I’m sleepy.” The grey haired man mumbles as he rests his cheek on Jaehyun’s chest. “We always end up like this.” The man moves himself from the top of Jaehyun’s body, lays himself on the bed beside Jaehyun, whispering those words softly before closing his eyes and drifting to a dreamland.

Jaehyun wraps his arms around the man’s petite body, pats his back slowly, making sure the gray haired man have fallen asleep. Jaehyun doesn’t even know this man’s name, moreover who he is, but already fond of him. Weird.

Carefully, Jaehyun sits up. He pulls the blanket to cover the grey haired man’s naked body waist up.

He grabs his shirt on the floor, wears it, and then runs away of that place ( _maybe this place is this man’s home,_ Jaehyun thinks) before his mind is clouded with the lust even more.

 

2 hours before.

Jaehyun held his head with both of his hands. The headache suddenly attacked him again out of nowhere. He groaned softly as he rested his forehead on the desk, his fingers linked and his palms pressing on the back of his head, wishing the ache would disappear since now he pressed his head from the front and also from the back. His visions became blurry before he was falling into the deep blackness.

Jay smirked. “You said I can’t take over this body when you stay in the library? What a genius assumption, Jaehyun.”

Jay lifted his head up and turned to the left side, catching Taeyong staring at him. He wanted to wink at Taeyong so bad at this moment, but he held himself. He didn’t show any expression, moreover the flirty expression like usual.

Jay gritted his teeth as he clenched his fists tight. “Damn you, Jaehyun! What power did you have for making Taeyong miserable like this?!”

 Taeyong’s back was facing Jay now, but Jay could see Taeyong wiped his tears.

15 minutes later, Taeyong stood up and walked out of the library. Jay was following him closely behind.

Taeyong’s apartment is not far from the university. Jay knows Taeyong usually walking or riding a bicycle to the campus, but today seems like Taeyong didn’t bring his bicycle. Jay was still trailing Taeyong behind.

Taeyong stopped at the tteokpoki stall around his neighborhood. Jay decided it’s the time to announce his presence, so he walked closer to where Taeyong seated.

“Hey, babe.” Jay gave Taeyong his famous seductive wink and smile.

Taeyong chocked. Jay chuckled as he patted Taeyong’s back and gave him a cup of tea.

Tayeong glared at Jay. It supposed to be scary, but Jay found it really adorable.

“Jay, where have you been?! It’s been more than 10 days since the last time I saw you!”

“Oh, miss me?” Jay smirked playfully. “I thought you’ve only missed Jaehyun.”

Taeyong lowered his gaze, his cheeks reddened, and Jay could only grit his teeth.

“Let’s order soju. It’s on me.”

Taeyong lifted up his face, staring at Jay with his pretty eyes. “I can’t... drink. I don’t know what I’m capable of doing when I’m drunk. And I usually can’t remember anything.”

Jay chuckled softly. “But when you’re drunk, you remember what you’ve done when you drunk before. It’s fascinating!”

Taeyong’s eyes widened. “Really? I-I don’t know about it…”

“Because nobody but me had witnessed it. Come on! The drink is on me. I promise I won’t do anything bad to you. I’ve always been a gentleman around you. You know that…”

Taeyong scoffed. “Gentleman my ass!”

“Oh, your ass is pretty, just like your face.” Jay started the teasing attack again.

Taeyong rolled his eyes then kick Jay’s legs under the table.

Jay smiled. The glint in his eyes was cheeky. “You can’t make me scream just because of the kick, honey. You know better than that.”

“Geeez, stop it, Jay! Give me the drink! Today has been hell.”

Jay knew who the cause of it was.

Jay’s gaze hardened and darkened. He really wanted to vent out his anger, but he held it in, for the sake of Taeyong.

Jay smirked evilly. He had a plan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning.

“Jaehyun, why did you not come to my clinic yesterday?” Jaehyun wakes up because of his phone’s ringtone. His therapist is calling him.

Jaehyun smiles. It’s weird because this morning he remembers he went to bed at 11 after studying for his exam, brushing his teeth, and then listening to his favorite music until he fell asleep. It’s weird because last night his alter ego had not taken over his consciousness like usual.

Jaehyun frowns. _Or maybe the pattern had changed._

“I…” Jaehyun pauses, “I had something to do yesterday. I promise I’ll come this evening after school. About Yoonoh…” Jaehyun tells what he found yesterday on his phone’s browser history page. “I never knew before, Yoonoh is suicidal. What about White?”

“White’s drawings got darker from time to time. I could see some patterns and still trying to connect it to your past….”

Jaehyun turned sideways, still listening to his therapist’s talking. His eyes catch a yellow sticky note on the small desk beside his bed. He frowns. “What is that? I don’t remember writing it!”

**_You’re always hiding yourself behind me, Jung Jaehyun. You let me suffering, meanwhile what you’ve done is just escaping. Where were you when I fight alone in your place? Where were you when I took all of the blames? I saw everything, Jaehyun. I also saw the way you look at Taeyong. You let me took all of your pains, so don’t blame me when I took all of your sources of happiness including Lee Taeyong. Did you enjoy my gift yesterday? Yes, your highness, Taeyong is mine, not yours. You didn’t deserve him 10 years ago, and would never be._ **

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

In his entire life, never even just for once Jung Jaehyun stalks someone. Today is an exception. He’s been secretly following and staring at the grey haired man since this morning, Lee Taeyong, the 4th year student, majoring in psychology, have a lot of admirers but doesn’t realizing it – or maybe he does – but choose to ignore the fact and not take advantage of his popularity, goes anywhere in the campus with his bestfriend except when he goes to the library, gives off a really cold aura but once he smiles everyone could feel how lovely and warmhearted he is, that’s all Jaehyun have known for today.

Jaehyun curious, if Taeyong is Jay’s lover, why did he pretend to not know Jaehyun yesterday, when they met in the library? If Taeyong is Jay’s lover, he should’ve known better, Jay doesn’t go to college. Jaehyun is wondering, maybe Taeyong knows more than Jaehyun thinks he is.

Jaehyun also can’t stop himself for being curious with Jay’s letter. Why did Jay write _as if_ Jaehyun have known Taeyong since before?! Since 10 years ago, or more than that?!

~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong knows, Jung Jaehyun has been stalking him for almost a week. He has no idea why Jaehyun did it. Taeyong recalls something strange yesterday. There’s Jaehyun’s scent lingering on his pillow.

Taeyong curses himself for having a really weak tolerance on alcohol. He remembers drinking soju with Jay yesterday, but he can’t remember how he could arrive at his home, and anything happened when he’s drunk.

“What if Jay disappeared when I was drunk? What if Jaehyun… saw me?” Taeyong mumbles as he tries his best to not glancing back at Jaehyun. Jaehyun is a bad stalker, really! Everyone could notice him easily. Even Ten, who’s usually too ignorant with his surrounding start suspecting something.

“Someone’s been watching you. He looks familiar.” Ten frowns as he stops walking to turns around.

“Ha…ha. No one is watching me, Ten.” Taeyong lets out a weird laugh as he grabs Ten’s wrist, making the Thai boy walks faster.

_Ten knows Jay! Ten should not see Jaehyun here!_

_Jung Jaehyun you stupid! You should’ve been hiding yourself better, and what’s wrong with that weird hat?! Trying to imitate Sherlock Holmes, huh?_ _Silly!_ Taeyong bites his lower lip to hide his smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s almost 2 weeks since the last time Taeyong met Jay, since they’re drinking soju together at the tteokpoki stall around Taeyong’s neighborhood. And it’s almost a month since the last time Taeyong met Yoonoh, Jaeyook, and White.

Taeyong doesn’t understand with the sudden disappearance of Jaehyun’s alter egos. And even though Jaehyun had been watching Taeyong secretly for a week, it’s not like Taeyong could approach him and talk to him about his disorder. Taeyong doesn’t want making Jaehyun scared. When Taeyong caught Jaehyun staring, the younger stopped following him. Maybe Taeyong should’ve just pretended to not know about Jaehyun stalking him. Now, a week have passed since the last time Taeyong saw Jaehyun at the campus.

Taeyong worried what if something bad happened to Jaehyun?! His uncle has no idea about Jaehyun, too.

“It’s better if Jay or Jaeyook takes control most of the time. I’m worried if it’s Yoonoh or White.”

Taeyong stares at Kim Jae Joong across the room who’s still preparing for the dinner. Taeyong decided to come over to his uncle's place to discuss about Jaehyun. Yes, that’s the main purpose. The other’s purpose is of course to taste the delicious meal! Seriously, if his uncle is not a psychiatrist, Taeyong 100% sure his uncle would become a great chef.

“I know Yoonoh is suicidal. But, White? Why are you worried about him, uncle? Because he can’t talk?”

Jaejoong heaves a deep sigh. “You don’t understand, do you? About White’s drawings?”

“Most of them. I couldn’t interpret them.”

“Not only interpreting it, Tae, but also deeper than that, _understanding_ the meaning _behind_ those drawings.” Jaejoong puts the plates full of pasta on the dining table and takes a seat in front of Taeyong.

“White is the youngest among them. He’s the most vulnerable. He’s the one who remembers his past since the start without the help of the hypnosis. He’s the one who remembers most of the painful memories. After some therapy sessions, Yoonoh could remember it too. Jaeyook remembers many things, but not as much as White and Yoonoh. Jay? Jay is the older version of White, he’s dangerous, yes, but at least he could protect himself, and he’s more dangerous to other people, he would never hurt himself, at least not in suicidal ways. Even though all of them have the different consciousness and personality, there’s a main string connected them altogether. I think I’ve found it, though just the surface. I have to dig into it deeper.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen. “W-what? But… uncle, why did you not tell me about it earlier?!”

“Why are you hiding a lot of things from me too, then?”

Taeyong stiffens. He lowers his gaze on the floor. “I-I’m sorry, uncle, I’m just… I don’t know. You said I’ve triggered his disorder. Maybe I’m too arrogant to think that Jaehyun could get better if I help him as his friend.”

“You’ve helped him a lot. They trust you. I don’t blame you, Tae. It’s just… I’m afraid something bad would happen to you. DID is not an easy case. There’s a possibility an unknown identity take over Jaehyun’s consciousness, the dangerous one, more dangerous than Jay, Yoonoh, Jaeyook, and White. Why I said more dangerous? Because you don’t know anything about this unknown, this new identity, and you don’t have any idea how to handle him.”

Jaejoong inhales a deep breath. “Tae, you don’t know, all of them, Jay-Jaeyook-White-Yoonoh are _in fact_ suicidal. It’s just…they have different ways. Jay is a narcissistic who loathes himself, he has something _grand_ in mind how to end his life, but not too soon as he still has a lot of things to do. The revenge is what keeping him alive, and so he transfers his bad energy outside of himself. He’s dangerous to people around him, he wouldn’t think twice to kill someone if that someone is deserved to die.”

“White’s phobia of the fire is what’s keeping him alive. He always wants to die just like how his parents and brother died, burnt to death. But he’s too afraid to do so. He keeps a lot of secrets and he has millions unspoken words. The meaning behind his drawings is really dark, darker than Yoonoh or Jay’s thoughts, but like I’ve said, thanks to his phobia, he’s still alive until now. You know why he often came to the therapy sessions? It’s because he thinks I’d help him facing his phobia. He thinks the art therapy given to him is to help him facing his fears, meanwhile actually it’s to help me understanding Jaehyun’s past better. We can’t let White gets over his phobia.”

“Is it allowed to lie to your client?”

“If it could save him, why not?”

Taeyong nods. “What about Jaeyook and Yoonoh?”

“I’ve told you, Jaeyook is the safest among them. He’s the one whom I’ve allowed to talk to Jaehyun. His memory of his brother is so much different from the rest of the alter egos. Jaeyook is the hope among them. His depression is not too severe like the others, and he’s the one who has the positive reason to live. Cooking, and finding his brother and his mother are what keeping him alive.”

“Yoonoh has no one, and nothing to keep him alive. If Jay has the revenge, White has the phobia, Jaeyook has the hope, Yoonoh… has nothing. He simply lives because he breaths. That’s before he remembers his past. I’m starting to question myself, maybe letting Yoonoh remembers his past is the bad decision.”

“What’s my… relationship with them? I mean... in the past? Jay knows about it. But I’m not sure with the others.” Taeyong is fidgeting in his chair.

“White knows. But not with Jaeyook and Yoonoh. I wish Yoonoh could know, or remember about you too. So he would have a reason to live.”

“I… don’t understand, uncle.”

Jaejoong smiles. “Me too. I’m still trying to figure out many things. I’m still doubting a lot of things. I can’t believe everything the alter egos said right away, because the chance of those memories not what’s exactly happened is high. It could be just the manifestation of the fears, not the real memories. Jaehyun is the main identity. He holds the key, but I still can’t find it in him. He’s afraid of finding out his past.”

 “I can’t tell you what Jay and White know about you, as I fear it could lead to confusions, since you can’t remember anything about your past. But let me tell you this, Tae, you _are_ important for them, but you bring them pain. They love you and hate you at the same time.”

Taeyong gasps. Jay and White… hate him?

“Uncle.” Taeyong’s gaze when he says the words is certain. He has never felt as certain as now about something in his life before. “Help me remember my past.”

“It won’t be easy, Tae.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~

 

“John, do you know where’s Jay?” One night, Taeyong decides to call Johnny and asks about Jay.

Johnny chuckles. “Why? Dumped?”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. “Geez, friends don’t dump each other. I’m just… worried. I haven’t heard anything from him for more than 2 weeks.”

“To be honest, I’m worried of Jay hyung too. He said he’d handle something _very_ important. It’s related to one of the strongest yakuza clans. The clan who had killed his dad, and maybe killed his brothers too. He still haven’t comeback from Sweden.”

“Sweden? There’s yakuza in Sweden too? I thought it’s only in Japan.”

Johnny laughs. “Aaaw, cutie Yongie, yakuzas are everywhere, it’s just the term of mafia or mobster for Japanese.”

“How long have you known Jay, John?”

“Mmm, not that long. He came to my Dad for help a year ago. The rabbit was really strong back then, at it’s glorious times, but not now. Most of the loyal men are hiding, been waiting for the heir, Jay hyung, to claim their reign back.”

Taeyong bit his lower lip. So the Rabbit is _real_.

“Can you… call me when you see Jay again?”

“Okay, Tae. I’d call you asap. Hey, how about movie and dessert date this weekend? Ten, you, and I? It’s been a long time.”

“You should ask Ten, John. _Only_ Ten. Geez, and make it the real date already!”

“What do you mean with real date?” Johnny plays dumb.

Taeyong sighs. _Johnny and Ten are fools for love._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

It’s been 3 weeks, but Taeyong still not have heard anything of Jaehyun and his alter egos.

It’s lunch time, but Taeyong has no appetite, so he doesn’t bother go out of the library while other students are in hurry to fill their starving.

 He heaves a deep sigh for the nth times. His mind has been wandering here and there, thinking about Jaehyun, about the possibilities. The text books in front of him have been long forgotten.

“Taeyongie~ let me copy your homework!” Ten sings as he’s walking closer, smiling brightly with twinkling eyes, showing off his aegyo. Taeyong knows better, if Ten comes to the library, it must’ve been because he wants copying Taeyong’s homework! Ten is not a library guy like Taeyong.

Taeyong gives his book without saying anything. Usually, he would ask why Ten didn’t do the homework, but not this time. He’s not in the mood for it.

“Yay! You’re the best!” Ten beams as he takes a seat next to Taeyong. “I’d treat you chocolate cake later! Blame Hansol hyung for taking most of my free times listening about his boyfriend.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything. He only blinks his eyes several times.

“Anyway, I saw Jay hyung earlier. Did he come to meet you?”

Taeyong turns his head instantly as soon as Jay’s name mentioned. “No. Where did you see him?”

Ten smirks. “At the bus stop, when I was driving here. I called him, but maybe he didn’t hear me. Oh, and I never knew Jay hyung loves drawing! I mean, I know he loves racing car, but... drawing? Wow!”

“Wait! He brought a drawing book?”

Ten nods. “Mmm.”

 _It’s White_! Taeyong thinks.

“Bus…? He’s waiting for the bus?”

_What if Yoonoh makes an appearance? Bus could trigger Yoonoh. Yoonoh had bad experiences with the bus._

Taeyong stands up.

“Taeyong, where’re you going?”

“Keep my books and bag!” Taeyong runs out of the library to the bus stop near his university, only bringing his wallet and phone in his jeans pocket.

“White!” Taeyong screams, calling White, but White doesn’t hear him and just gets into the bus. Taeyong keeps running even tough he’s already out of breath. He’s lucky he makes it on time.

Right after he steps into the bus, he hears a really loud scream.

“AAARRGGGHHHH! STOP! PLEASE STOP! STOP!”

There he is! In the last row seat, screaming while curling his knees and closing his eyes like a lost child. People are staring at him and start whispering.

 “Yoonoh!” Taeyong turns pale as he runs closer to White who had shifted to Yoonoh.

“Yoonoh! It’s alright. I’m here. Come on… let’s go out of here! Ahjussi! Please stop… please…” Taeyong holds Yoonoh in his arms.

When the bus stops, Taeyong is trying hard to make Yoonoh stands up. “Yoonoh, it’s alright, you’re alright. Let’s walk out of here…. It’s okay, I’m holding you, you’re safe.”

Yoonoh shakes his head. Both of his eyes still shut, and tears streaming down his face. “PLEASE STOP! PLEASE!”

“Yoonoh, the bus has stopped. Let’s go! Excuse me, could you help me?” Taeyong asks for help. People only gives him the look. But then, a good man in his 50s is standing from his seat and helping him making Yoonoh stand up.

“PLEASE STOP! PLEASE DON’T HURT HIM! JUST HURT ME PLEASE…. PLEASE….” Yoonoh’s body is shaking, and he falls on his knees again.

Taeyong is struggling hard helping Yoonoh walks out of the bus. “Should I call an ambulance?” The old man asks Taeyong.

Taeyong shakes his head. “No, just… help me bring him outside of this bus, please.”

“NOOOOO! YUTA HYUUUNG! HYUUUNG!”

“Yoonoh, come on….”

“PLEASE STOP! STOOOOPPP! STOP! STOP HURTING YUTA HYUNG!!!”

Taeyong doesn’t know how to calm Yoonoh. The man who’s helping him is being slapped and kicked by Yoonoh now.

“Yoonoh…” Taeyong wraps his arms around Yoonoh protectively. “I’m here… I’m here…”

“Tae-Taeyong hyung?” Yoonoh opens his eyes, finally recognizing Taeyong.

“I’m here….I’m here.” Taeyong plants kisses on Yoonoh’s cheeks and forehead, trying to make Yoonoh relaxed.

“You shouldn’t come here, hyung! Go! Let’s go! Before they find you, too.”

This time, it’s Yoonoh who’s grabbing his wrist and step off of the bus.

“Let’s hide, hyung! Let’s hide!” Yoonoh’s palms are cold. His eyes are shaking in fear.

“Let’s get into the taxi.” Taeyong suggests. “Let’s hide.”

Yoonoh nods, like an obedient kid.

They’re heading to Kim Jaejoong’s clinic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Where’s Yoonoh?” It’s 6 pm and Jaejoong just arrives from the hospital.

“Shit! I fell asleep!” Taeyong panicked. It’s been 2 days since Yoonoh stays at Jaejoong’s home. For these past 2 days, it’s just Yoonoh who takes over Jaehyun’s consciousness. Handling him is a pain in the ass. Yoonoh refused to stay at the hospital, so Jaejoong has no other choice aside of letting Yoonoh stays at his place.

Jaejoong sighs. “It’s Jay.”

“What?”

“Seems like Jay had taken over Jaehyun’s consciousness.”

“How could you know? Aaaw!” Taeyong rubs his forehead when his uncle pulls off something.

“Sticky note?”

“It’s Jay’s handwriting.”

**_You look so cute when sleeping, Taeyongie. I know you’re dreaming of me <3_ **

Taeyong scoffs. He doesn’t know how Jay’s handwriting looks like, but based on what’s written, it’s indeed Jay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~

 

That night, after Yoonoh left and Jay took over the consciousness, Taeyong finally comes back to his apartment. Right when he plops himself down onto the bed, ready to sleep, his phone’s ringing. A call from an unknown number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, sexy, Johnny said you’ve missed me.”

“Jay? Where’re you?”

“Somewhere.”

“What are you doing?”

“Something.”

Taeyong sighs. “Why did you leave uncle’s place like that? You should’ve waked me up!”

Jay chuckles. “You look like an angel when sleeping. I don’t have a heart to wake you up.”

“Jay, seriously, where have you been? Are you alright?”

There’s no answer.

“Jay?”

Still there’s no answer.

“Jay hyung?”

“You should call me hyung more often, Taeyongie. Just like back then, when we’re kid.” Jay smiles, remembering his past.

 

*flashback*

“Do you guys really living here?” Jaehyun widened his eyes, still not believing what those two kids in front of him said. He had been staying in this empty room for almost 24 hours, doing nothing but sleeping, and then suddenly there’re 2 kids coming and bringing him bread and milk.

The taller kid of the two nodded. “Mmmm. This is our new home! It’s really huge, isn’t it? But why are you keeps staying inside this room?”

“New home? Where’s your old home?”

“Osaka. We come from an orphanage.” The taller kid answered again as he smiled brightly. “What’s your name? What are you doing here? Is this your new home too?”

Jaehyun scoffed. “This is not my home! I’m kidnapped. And my name is Jaehyun.”

The taller kid gasped. “Kidnapped? Who kidnapped you?”

Jaehyun shrugged. He would say the man who live there is a bad man, but he held himself from saying it. It’s so much work to do. To put it simply, Jaehyun knows the man who kidnapped him is a yakuza boss, Jaehyun’s father’s enemy. Yes, Jaehyun’s father is also a mafia’s boss, but in Seoul, not here in Kyoto. As far as Jaehyun knew, there’re only 2 reasons why the mafia / yakuza boss would bring children into the clan. To teach them how to fight and make them the hit men, or to make them the slaves who do the dishes and later they’d become the sex slaves when they’re adult.

Jaehyun knew, the man living in this household was as bad as his father. They’re both bad men. Jaehyun hates his father, but he hates it more when his father’s enemies treat him like this, trapping him here so he can’t do anything, just posing as the bait, waiting for his father to come.

Jaehyun hates his father, but he doesn’t want his father to die.

“What’s your name?” Jaehyun asked.

“Yuta. My name is Yuta. I’m 10 years old. How old are you?” The taller kid was still as bright as earlier.

“8.” Jaehyun stared at the shorter kid who kept standing behind Yuta. “And you?”

The shorter kid only glared at him without saying anything.

Yuta laughed as he pinched the shorter kid’s cheeks. “This is my brother from an orphanage. His name is Taeyong. He’s the same age as me. Jaehyun, if you stay here, then you can be my brother too! My younger brother!”

Jaehyun frowned. He thought Yuta is a really really really bright kid. How could he become this bright in this cold and scary place?!

“I don’t want having a younger brother!” Finally, the shorter kid, Taeyong, spoke. “I prefer having an older brother.”

Yuta laughed. “It’s because you hate being older than me, Taeyongie! Hahaha.”

Jaehyun nodded. “I can become your older brother then. I lied. I’m not 8 but 13.”

“Eeeey, don’t lie!” Yuta laughed while shook his head. His shoulders were bouncing in happiness.

Jaehyun shook his head. “I’m 13. Really! Call me hyung!” He tried to hold his laughter. Of course he lied. He’s only an 8 years old kid. But he’s so much taller than Yuta and Taeyong. He just wanted to tease them.

“No way! You’re younger than me, Jae Jae…” Yuta’s smile grew wider. Jaehyun was still wondering how come Yuta could smile as wide as that?!

“Jaehyun hyung? Jae hyung? J hyung? Sound nice.” Taeyong said with his cute lips.

“Hahaha… good boy. You should call me hyung too, Yuta.” Jaehyun smirked.

“No… no… no. You’re my younger brother, Jae!”

“You’re shorter than me!”

“But I’m older!”

“But Taeyong likes calling me hyung.”

“Hahahaha….”

*End of Flashback*

 

Jay smiles bitterly. _You should remember it too, Jaehyun, Taeyong._ He thinks. But then, he realizes, those are not good memories. Maybe it’s the first and the last time they could laugh together like that. Yuta and Taeyong became the slaves earlier than they should be, even before they’re reaching their adolescence phase. And Jaehyun… Jay shakes his head. “I’m a coward who can’t do anything.”

“What? What did you say, Jay?”

Jay forgets, he’s still on the phone. “Nothing. Mmm, Taeyongie?”

“What? What’s wrong?”

Taeyong’s cute reaction makes Jay chuckles.

If it’s possible, right now Jay’s round eyes would turn into a heart shaped. “Tu me manques.”

“Yes… yes… me too. So, don’t do something stupid! Comeback to my place or my uncle’s place ASAP! Okay?”

“Okay.”

Taeyong frowns. “You’re suddenly so… obedient, Jay. You make me scared.”

Jay laughs. He’s hiding something by the laughter and the jokes. “Afraid of falling for me?”

“No… it’s different, like some sort of 6th sense or what…”

“Don’t be stupid, Taeyongie. Aaah, I forgot, you _are_ silly like that. 6th sense? I even have the 7th sense. Eeey, you’re way behind me.”

“7th sense my ass!”

“I know you’re pouting your lips right now.”

“H-how could you know?”

“And now your eyes grew wider, and then you curse inside your head – can’t believe I could guess everything right. I’ve told you I have the 7th sense! Hahaha…”

“Jay, stop joking. I’m really worried. I don’t know why.”

“Just play with Ten and Johnny. I’ll go to Norway for a few days. I’m really close to find those bastards! And then I believe I could find our brother too.”

“ _Your_ brother, Jay, not _our_ brother. Geez, you’re so forgetful, just like a grandpa.”

Jay smiles. He could imagine how cute Taeyong’s expression must’ve been at this moment. “Yes, yes, my brother.”

If not remembering could make Taeyong always smiles like this, then Jay wishes Tayeong would never remember his past. Their past.

Jay had taken, and still been taking all of Jaehyun’s pains. He thinks he could handle more. For Taeyong’s sake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and the comments! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeay! Updating this chapter faster because I’ve missed Jaeyong! Read the previous chapter first if you haven’t.

 

After getting Jay’s number, and because of some sort of weird senses or feelings called the 6th sense, or 7th sense as Jay said, Taeyong sends Jay messages frequently, at least once a day. But, Jay never replies to any of his messages. It makes Taeyong worried.

**_Jay, have you arrived in Norway?_ **

**_Jay, what are you doing?_ **

**_Where are you? What city are you staying at? I’m reading about Norway right now._ **

**_Where do you live there? Find a decent place. Don’t sleep on a street!_ **

**_Have you eaten?_ **

**_Have you found your brother?_ **

**_Jay?_ **

**_Jay?_ **

**_Jay?_ **

**_Jay, be careful._ **

**_Jay?_ **

**_REPLY MY MESSAGE, DICKHEAD! AT LEAST I WOULD KNOW YOU’RE STILL ALIVE!_ **

**_IF YOU DON’T REPLY MY MESSAGES, YOU HAVE TO BRING ME A LOT OF SOUVENIRS!_ **

It’s been 15 days, and Taeyong haven’t heard anything from Jay. He knows, when one of Jaehyun’s alter egos has a really strong will to do something, then he’d take control the consciousness most of the time. But it’s all just theoretical. In fact, a lot of things could trigger the appearance and the disappearance of the alter ego. Taeyong scared what if Yoonoh or White took Jaehyun’s consciousness over? Could they survive there?

Taeyong knows, Jay must’ve been using the fake passport. It’s not a big deal for Jay. He could handle anything by himself. But what about White and Yoonoh? What if they don’t know what to do and have no idea how to comeback home? They don’t know anything about each other, as well as Jay, Jaehyun, and Jaeyook’s existence. They think they’re _the real one_ , the main identity. It would be confusing for them, finding out waking up in another continent, far far away from their country.

Taeyong wishes, Yoonoh and White would never make an appearance when Jay is staying in Norway. He couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for them. What if Yoonoh got the panic attack? What if White lost?

Jaeyook doesn’t know Jay’s existence, but Taeyong believes the clever Jaeyook could survive and maybe also pretends to be Jay to be able to comeback to Korea. Remember, it’s only Jay who brings the passport!

Taeyong heaves a deep sigh, looking at the fallen leaves through the window’s class. Usually he would pay attention to the lecture, but not this time as his mind is preoccupied with Jaehyun and his alter egos.

 _It must’ve been really hard for Jaehyun,_ Taeyong thinks.

Soon the winter will come, and Taeyong heard (accidentally) something unpleasant yesterday when he was walking (intentionally) in architecture department’s corridors. Jaehyun would be dropped out soon because of the lack of attendance and never send in his assignments and projects on time for this semester.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun has no idea, why the hell he’s standing in front of this apartment building in this hour, 6 am, and under the heavy rain! He’s drenched from head to toes, both of his hands are holding a big box, not heavy, but the size is _too_ big!

He decides to enter the building, his hands shaking, freezing to death.

He looks around briefly, but decides to stand still in the lobby, leaning his back on the wall. “This apartment looks familiar.”

The security is sleeping on his desk. So Jaehyun thinks it doesn’t matter for him staying there for awhile until the rain stops.

He searches for his iphone in his pocket and his backpack, but he only finds another phone which is not his, wallet (it’s his wallet and cards! There’re Jay’s cards too, Jaehyun swears he’d use Jay’s cards later! As a revenge for using his) and also Jay’s passport.

“Passport? So Jay have been travelling or what?” Jaehyun pulls out Jay’s phone. “Shit! It’s locked!” He throws the useless phone back into the backpack, feeling a bit annoyed. “How long I’ve disappeared?” He looks up at the dark sky. The sun actually has risen, but the dark clouds and the heavy rain make it hidden, so it just takes a peek shyly in the sky.

“I better find a taxi or bus and get back home.” Jaehyun nods, but hesitates when the rain falls heavier. “Ugh! Jay, why don’t you bring an umbrella?!” Jaehyun still trying to find something useful inside the backpack, but he only find the jeans, shirts, coat, varsity jacket, snapback, shoes, ramen, knife, and cigarettes. Jaehyun pulls the ramen out. He’s hungry and there’s nothing to eat, so he better eat the ramen like it’s some sort of snack or what.

He glances at the big box on the floor, contemplating if he should open it or not. Knowing Jay, he’s terrified what if Jay put something horrible inside it?! Such as… you know, dead animals, or worse than that.

_Triing…_

The elevator’s sound makes him jolts, surprised. He turns around, then his eyes widens when he sees the familiar petite figure waving at him.

“JAY!” The grey haired boy who’s still wearing the pink pajama is running to him then embracing him in a tight hug.

“Eww! You’re wet! And cold! What are you doing here? Why don’t you come inside? You know my pass code. Geez! I’ve been waiting you for 2 hours! You said you’re on the way from the airport. Why are you just standing here, stupid?!”

Jaehyun’s cheeks heat up. _Taeyong thinks I’m Jay, of course_. He thinks. _What would Jay do to his boyfriend?_ _I didn’t hug him back earlier. Should I hug him now? Or…_

Without thinking more, Jaehyun leans in then pecks Taeyong’s lips, just briefly, but it succeeded making his heart racing.

Taeyong’s eyes widen, and his cute pretty lips are slightly open. The pink shade on his cheeks makes him looks more adorable. Jaehyun thinks the shorter guy is just being shy, but… “WHAT ARE YOU DOING JAY?!”

“Ouch!” Jaehyun yelps in pain when Taeyong kicks him on the shinbones and punches his arms and chest brutally.

“YOU STOLE MY FIRST KISS YOU STUPID! PERVERT ASSHOLE!”

 Wait! First kiss? So, Jay has never kissed this boy? But, that night… when Jay disappeared, and Jaehyun found this boy on the top of him, half naked and gave him lots of marks…. Jaehyun shakes his head.

“I’m your boyfriend! So, of course I could kiss you whenever I want!” Jaehyun manages to say in between Taeyong’s kicks and punches.

“Stupid Jay! Boyfriend my ass! Who’s your boyfriend? Are you dreaming and sleepwalking? Huh?” Taeyong is still kicking and punching Jaehyun hard, doesn’t care if it hurts him.

“Ouch! Stop! You’ll break my bones!”

“You deserved it, asshole!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry okay! I thought Jay is your boyfriend!”

Taeyong stops. His eyes widen.

“What do you mean?”

“I…uh…”

“Jaeyook? You’re Jaeyook? Oh my God!” Taeyong covers his mouth with his palms.

“You know Jaeyook, too? Do you also know White and Yoonoh?” Jaehyun’s guess proved right then. Taeyong knows more than Jaehyun think he is.

Taeyong gasps. “J-Jaehyun? You are… JAEHYUN?”

Jaehyun nods.

“Holy shit!” Taeyong curses again. His mind is blank. His crush was just kissing him, okay, not kissing but pecking him on the lips! Suddenly he’s palpitating.

“I’m sorry, I thought Jay is your boyfriend.” Jaehyun says softly with a deeper voice. His gaze is really tender and warm. He has no idea what effect he has on Taeyong.

Taeyong is trying hard to balance himself, because God! Jaehyun’s gaze makes him weak on his knees! Taeyong tries to not embarrass himself in front of Jaehyun, so he straightens his back and clears his throat. “Okay, apology accepted.” He turns his head to the side, avoiding Jaehyun’s stare, afraid of getting lost in Jaehyun’s eyes deeper and deeper then make a fool of himself.

“How could you know about me? And… my disorder?” Jaehyun’s question pulls Taeyong out of his daydream.

“Kim Jaejoong is… my uncle. He lets me observing his therapy sessions with you.”

“Making me your object?”

“N-no… no! I want to help you, Jaehyun. I really do.”

“What’s your relationship with Jay, then?” Jaehyun frowns. He’s still curious and dying to know what the reason behind Taeyong’s act that night.

“Friend?”

“Friends with benefit?”

“WHAT? NO!” Taeyong shocked. “How could you conclude it like that?”

“You kissed him, and gave him marks.”

“Huh? When?”

“When you’re drunk. Jay disappeared at that time and let me took over my mind.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen even more.

Jaehyun frowns. “You don’t remember it?”

Taeyong shakes his head.

“Weird. I’m sure it’s not the first time you gave Jay lots of marks. Are you always forgets everything when you’re drunk?”

Taeyong nods.

“Maybe I’m not the only one who needs the therapy.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything. No, it’s not because of what Jaehyun said about he should receive the therapy, but the fact of… he kissed and gave Jaehyun marks. Why? Did Jay lead him to? _That jerks! He said he would never take advantage of me! Or… did I become a horny monster when I drunk? Holy shit!_

Taeyong is too focused thinking, so he doesn’t realize it when Jaehyun inches closer, looking at him up close, he could even count Taeyong’s eyelashes.

“W-what?” Taeyong stutters. His heart is pounding hard because of the close distance.

“It’s weird, but I feel like I’ve known you before.” Jaehyun pulls away, straightens his back. Finally, Tayeong could breath!

Jaehyun rubs his own nape, smiling a bit nervously. “It’s not my pick up line. It’s a fact. I swear! I know it’s weird!”

Tayeong chuckles, feeling more relaxed. “Come on! You have to change your wet clothes. Are you hungry?” Taeyong takes a glance at the ramen in Jaehyun’s right hand. “I’ll tell you more about what I’ve known while you eat. Eating ramen like that is not healthy, Jaehyun. I’ll cook you the decent breakfast.” Taeyong ends his words with a teasing smile.

“Eh?” Jaehyun blushes. He puts the half eaten instant ramen into his backpack then lifts the big box on the floor up, holding it in his arms.

“Is that for me?

“Huh?”

“Jay said he had something for me. That jerk didn’t reply my messages for the past 20 days, but 2 hours ago called me and told me he brought me Jarlsberg, geitost, gammalost, pultost, and nokkelost.”

“Huh? What?”

Taeyong smiles with a playful glint in his eyes. “Cheese. Norwegian cheeses.”

“Oh.” Jaehyun suddenly feels dumb. And here he is, thinking Jay brings the dead animals, or even worse, human’s fleshes.

 _Maybe Jay is not as bad as I thought._ Jaehyun thinks.

“What did Jay do in Norway?”

“Finding his enemies, and… his brother.” Taeyong helps Jaehyun brings the box and walks into the elevator.

“His brother? Do I have a brother?”

Taeyong presses the 7th button then turns his head to Jaehyun. “Why don’t you find it out by yourself, Jaehyun? Jay said we know each other since we’re kid. I don’t remember any of it, just like you. Uncle won’t let me remember it, so… why don’t you try remember it? Maybe after remembering it, it’d be easier to give you the treatment. Not by me, of course, but my uncle. I’m still learning. I can’t help you as a psychologist, because I’m not. It would be a malpractice. But I can help you as a friend. If you want?” Taeyong chuckles, his laughter is so easy in Jaehyun’s ears. Jaehyun decides, he likes listening to Taeyong’s voice. And Taeyong’s laughter is even better to be heard.

Jaehyun is in a dazed, smiling like an idiot under Taeyong’s charms. How could Lee Taeyong look so stunning and adorable in this horrible pajama (well, for Jaehyun the pajama is childish and weird because the color is pink and there’re a lot of spongebob prints on it) and Taeyong’s bed hairs looks like a nest!

Jaehyun smiles. His eyes softens. “Of course I want it.” He nods once.

“What?” Taeyong still chuckles.

“Getting your help, as your friend.” Jaehyun’s smile gets wider, and now he’s showing off his dimples. He’s too dense to realize Taeyong’s blushing face. Oh of course he doesn’t know that his dimples are Taeyong’s favorite.

“I want to remember our past, too.” Jaehyun says again. The elevator’s door opens. They have arrived, but they’re still staying inside.

“I want to remember if back then, you’re as cute as now or, cuter?” Jaehyun doesn’t wink or gives Taeyong a flirty and seductive smile like what Jay has always done, but keeps showing off his adorable dimples smile, making Taeyong hyperventilates. His racing heart is not helping, too. Blame Jaehyun if he got a heart attack!

Taeyong blushes, and blushes even more. He has no idea before, Jung Jaehyun is a sweet talker. He almost thinks the taller man standing in front of him actually is Jay, not Jaehyun.

Jaehyun clears his throat. He himself has no idea why he’s acting like that in front of Taeyong. “Let’s go! Which one is your apartment?”

Taeyong leads the way. He walks faster, as he tries to hide his red ears and cheeks.

Jay is Jaehyun. Jay is a part of Jaehyun. So, of course Jaehyun would possess some of Jay’s traits, wouldn’t he? Maybe for now it’s unconsciously, but…

Taeyong shakes his head. His heart is beating faster as he presses his passcode. How couldn’t he? It’s the first time his crush would come inside his place. Okay, maybe not the first time, based on what Jaehyun said. But this time Taeyong is sober, so, he knows it would be awkward.

~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some candies for you before the potions! Hahaha.
> 
> Which one do you prefer? Update faster but shorter chapter? Or update slower but longer chapter?
> 
> Thanks for reading, subscribing, commenting, and up-voting! <3
> 
> Most of you are #teamJay because I know Jay is hot, lol, but who’s #teamJaehyun ?
> 
> Just prepare your heart to torn in between Jay and Jaehyun! ;))
> 
>  


	6. Chapter 6

Paris, France.

Pretending is not easy. At least for Hansol.

Hansol finds it hard pretending in front of Sa-chan, pretending he can _see_ Yoonoh, talking to Yoonoh – although it’s really hard because he doesn’t know what’s _exactly_ Yoonoh said because Yoonoh is only Sa-chan’s hallucination, not real, only happens inside of Sa-chan’s head.

Hansol still remembers vividly how Sa-chan reacted that day, when Hansol told him that Yoonoh is not real, just a product of his imagination.

“ARE YOU TELLING ME YOONOH HAS DIED?”

“YOONOH IS HERE! HOW CAN’T YOU SEE HIM?!” Sa-chan was furious. Both of his eyes were red out of anger and sadness. Before Hansol could saying further, Sa-chan dropped on his knees and bawled his eyes out, didn’t mind if the restaurant’s cold and dirty floor makes his knees and palms hurt, didn’t mind if people around them were looking at him while whispering, watching him as if it’s a free theater show.

“Nooooo! Don’t kill Yoonoh! Pleasee…. don’t kill Yoonoh!”

“GOOO! RUN YOONOH!”

Sa-chan’s pupils dilated, filled with terror. His body trembled in fear. He lowered himself on the floor even more, as if he’s bowing to a cruel king and shielding himself from the invisible attack – whatever it was that’s going to happen, _inside of his head_.

“Just hurt me, please….”

“Yoonoh, Go! Let me take this… just let me take all of these pains. It doesn’t matter. You have to live. You’re still too young. Don’t let those bastards hurt you.” Sa-chan lifted his head up a bit, talking to his hallucination, as if his hallucination is _really_ there.

“PLEASE YOONOH, JUST GOOOOO! GO! GO! RUN! NOW!” His hand making a gesture, drive his hallucination away.

“Sa-chan? Sa-chan?” Hansol didn’t know what to do at that time. Sa-chan was just keeps crying and shouting incoherent things, Hansol could only catch some words: _Yoonoh; run;_ and _just hurt me_.

“Sa-chan… Yoonoh is alive. He’s alive.” Hansol hugged Sa-chan, tightened it more when Sa-chan was trying to push Hansol away. Hansol kissed Sa-chan’s temple gently as he kept tightening his embrace, but his petite boyfriend was only crying.

Hansol didn’t know why he said those words, but he decided to just play along. He would do anything to make Sa-chan stop crying, because seeing Sa-chan wailing like this was making Hansol’s heart bleeding.

“Yoonoh is alive. He’s alright. He’s alright.” Hansol didn’t stop kissing Sa-chan’s temple as he kept whispering those words softly, trying to calm Sa-chan.

Sa-chan nodded and buried his face on Hansol’s chest.

After that day, Hansol brought Sa-chan to his adoptive parent’s home in Ars-en-Re, wishing Sa-chan would feel better if he’s out of the big city, also Hansol wished to talk to Sa-chan’s parents, wanted to know more about Sa-chan’s past.

“Sasuke is always a bit… different. Since the first time we adopted him, we know he is special. At first, he refused to talk. Since I’m Japanese, I tried to talk to him – thinking that he can’t speak French – and gave him a lot of Japanese foods, but he was just crying. My heart was really hurt at that time, how could a small kid like him crying like that? As if he had seen and experienced something terrible in his life before. The head nun told me, they found Sasuke in a street near the orphanage, in a really awful condition, like he’s some sort of survivor of the abusive family. The nun didn’t know anything about him, including his name, since he didn’t want to talk. They started calling him Sasuke since one of the kids in the orphanage said Sasuke looks like his favorite anime character, Sasuke. Sasuke smiled whenever people called him Sasuke, and started talking to them, though not much. My husband persuaded me to just adopt another child, the more normal one, but I had fallen for Sasuke. I kept coming back to the orphanage. Sasuke was always sitting alone in the backyard while other kids were playing football. He didn’t have any friend. He told me he did. He told me he had 2 friends. Imaginary friends, as I said, but he insisted they’re real. At that time, we thought it’s nothing important, as we know kids usually have imaginary friends.”

 “But, these imaginary friends later gave him a lot of troubles at school. He’s an outcast. People started judging him because he always talks alone, like a crazy kid. Crazy…” Mrs.Leroy shook her head and stopped talking. She’s smiling but her eyes were wet.

“He got a lot of detentions. He got into small accidents often because of those imaginary friends. I didn’t let him riding the bicycle anymore to school since that time, always sent and picked him up everyday. When he’s 14, he never played with his imaginary friends anymore, but he started talking about his brother. We thought he _really_ had a brother, so we said we would help him finding his brother. But he said _… mom, do you know how to cook Korean food? Can you cook bibimbap for Yoonoh? He said he’s hungry but now he’s asleep at my room. Yoonoh really loves Korean food._ At that time… at that time…” Mrs.Leroy cried louder. Hansol embraced her, patting her back softly.

“If you think it’s too hard, it’s okay to….”

“No, Hansol!” She cut Hansol off. “You have to know.”

And so she started telling Hansol more about Sa-chan’s past.

“He had to take the medication and admitted into the hospital. It breaks my heart, Hansol, seeing him like that. He received the therapy for years. He dropped out of school because he had to stay 24/7 at the hospital. It’s too dangerous letting him staying outside of the hospital, he could harm himself because of his hallucinations. It’s not easy to make him better, but he did. Finally he did it. He never brought up anything about Yoonoh anymore. His therapist said he could stay at home, but under the tight supervision, and had to keep taking the medication.”

“Yoonoh had gone from his mind, but… 6 months later… Sasuke started talking about his another brother. It’s… scared us, because he would cry hysterically whenever he talked to this new brother. I forgot his name. It’s scary, and it’s not something I want to remember. Sasuke attempted suicide, many times. He never did it when he had Yoonoh in his mind before. But the new brother made him more dangerous. We sent him back to the hospital, almost didn’t make it on time.”

“After a year, he got better. He could study. I sent him a private tutor. He’s happy. He started to smile like his usual bright smile. He had _real_ friends at the hospital, his therapist introduced him to them on the group therapy. They had the same disorder, but had gotten better, better than Sasuke.”

“We hired a personal therapist to monitor Sasuke’s condition at home, we sent him back home because I missed him a lot. Everything was alright. There’s no more hallucination. He could engage into a _real_ world. He became happier. He still didn’t have close friends tho, aside of his friends at the hospital. He never said he’s interested in girl, or boy, romantically. I know he’s not a fan of any physical contact. He looked afraid whenever his friends were being too close to him. He couldn’t hug people aside of us. His therapist said, it’s related with his past.”

“Sasuke got better day by day. We started to let him do everything alone, we let him thought he did everything alone, but in fact we’re still watching him. We had a lot of CCTV at home. We still put those CCTV until now, in his apartment in Paris. You might not realize it...”

“I did.”

Mrs.Leroy gasped. “You did?”

Hansol nodded. “But I never thought the reason is _that_. I also noticed he often take the medication. He told me its vitamin. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it sooner. I should’ve protected him better. His apartment once flooded because of Yoonoh. The other times it’s almost burned…”

Mrs.Leroy patted Hansol’s back hand, gave Hansol a really warm and thankful smile. “You’re the best thing ever happened in his life. I almost couldn’t believe it, when he said he has a boyfriend. I know how thoughtful you are, Hansol. Sasuke always told me how much he loves you. He’s thankful you could understand him. I’m sorry, if… Sasuke didn’t make you happy, you couldn’t do anything more than kissing him…”

“I’m happy. I love Sasuke. It doesn’t matter. I date him not just for sex. He told me he’s not ready, and it’s okay for me.”

“Thank you, Hansol. Thank you. I’m sure he’ll get better later. I saw you two kissing on the lips. It’s a good progress to get over his trauma.” Mrs. Leroy smiled. But a second later, she’s frowning. “When Yoonoh reappeared inside of his mind, we thought to ask Sasuke went back home, here with us, but we know it would crush his dream. So, we hired our previous therapist for him. Did you notice the maid? She’s not the usual maid, but a therapist. She helped Sasuke a lot. Since he dated you, his therapist only came thrice a week, she said he got better. Yoonoh didn’t always come in his head, and it’s good. Honestly, Yoonoh is a better choice than his other brother. At least, when he has Yoonoh in his head, he would never harm himself.”

“Sasuke’s afraid, if you know his disorder, you’d leave him. Now you’ve known about it. Would you leave him, Hansol~a?”

“No. I would never leave him. I love him so much. I’d help him. I’d do anything for him.”

Mrs.Leroy nodded. “Thank you, Hansol~a. I hope his other brother would never make the reappearance in his head. I know his disorder can’t be healed fully. He would have to take the medication as long as he lives. He can’t be fully healed, but he still can live like us.”

 

Hansol heaves a sigh, remembering his conversation with Sa-chan’s mother 5 months ago.

Now, after knowing Sa-chan’s disorder, Hansol could help him better, could protect him better, and also treat him better. He tried as much as he can to make Sa-chan could live like a normal people.

Sa-chan’s therapist said, whenever Sa-chan having the episode, Hansol has to remind him that his hallucination is not real. But it’s easier said than done.

In reality, it’s so much easier to play along with Sa-chan. It’s not because Hansol dumbly gets into Sa-chan’s abnormal world, but Hansol only wants Sa-chan being happy, and stops crying. Hansol has no idea since when Yoonoh brought Sa-chan a lot of tears. At the Korean restaurant 5 months ago was the first, and after that, the episode never brought Sa-chan to tears anymore, not until maybe last month?

Since last month, Sa-chan often crying for hours as he’s mumbling those same words he said back then at the restaurant 5 months ago.

_“Nooooo! Don’t kill Yoonoh! Pleasee…. don’t kill Yoonoh!”_

_“Just hurt me, please….”_

_“Yoonoh, Go! Let me take this… just let me take all of these pains. It doesn’t matter. You have to live. You’re still too young. Don’t let those bastards hurt you.”_

Yoonoh is a better option. Hansol knows that. But, if he could choose, it’d be so much better if Sa-chan never experiencing those delusions and hallucinations.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Sa-chan, my uncle is a professor at the best university in Seoul. He’s also a psychiatrist. Would you try to… talk to him? He’s a nice and funny man.”

One night, before going to sleep, Hansol proposes the idea. Ten, his cousin, told him to ask Sa-chan to talk to Ten’s father by phone.

Yesterday, Ten said _“My father is annoying, but he’s super good, hyung. Based on your stories about your boyfriend, I suspect there’re still a lot of things hidden. I’m not a good student, but I know a schizophrenic could become really dangerous, spontaneously, not only for himself but also others around him. My father’s client even killed his entire family when he got an episode. I didn’t tell you to stay away of your boyfriend, but, based on your stories, based on what your boyfriend’s mother had told you, about the hallucination, the other brother… I’m scared what if it’s more than that, more than attempting suicide? When he got that episode, I’m afraid he’d also hurt people around him. I’m worried about you, hyung. You said it got worse? What if suddenly he got an episode about his other brother and hurt you? I know it’s hard, but.. I think he has to be admitted into the hospital, again. If you don’t want seeing him at the hospital, then ask his therapist to monitor him everyday, 24/7 if it’s necessary. I didn’t say my father is better, but if my father was your boyfriend’s therapist, he wouldn’t just visit your boyfriend 3 times a week, but everyday.”_

That’s what Ten said to Hansol.

Sa-chan looks up at Hansol, arm still wraps around Hansol’s waist. “Do you want me to talk to your uncle?”

Hansol pulls Sa-chan’s closer, making the younger’s head rests on his chest. “Only if you want to.”

Sa-chan nods, smiling. “Mmm. I want talking to him.”

Hansol smiles back then kisses Sa-chan’s forehead. “Alright.”

Since that night, Sa-chan always talks to Hansol’s uncle everyday. He seems enjoying it. Hansol could only smile whenever Sa-chan tells him how funny his uncle is, and how he can always make him feel better.

Hansol often thinking, what if he brings Sa-chan to Seoul? Maybe Sa-chan would getting better faster if he meets Hansol’s uncle directly. But Paris is Sa-chan’s dream. His university is his dream. He always dreams of studying at the Universite Paris-Sorbonne since he was 17. How could Hansol take Sa-chan’s dream away?!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Seoul, South Korea.

“Why did I never notice you before, hyung? You could say, this library is my second home. I spend a lot of my times here. But why did I only see you once, at that time, when you dropped your books?”

Taeyong chuckles. It’s lunch time, but Jaehyun and Taeyong are still staying at the library. Taeyong has been searching research journals for the references of his research, meanwhile Jaehyun doing his assignment.

Because of the disorder, Jaehyun almost dropped out of the university. He rarely came to the classes, he even once didn’t come to the classes for 2 months straight, never sent in his assignments on time, not attended the mid-exams and final exams, not only for this semester but also the last semester without any explanations / excuses from Jaehyun himself.

Luckily, he only got the warning because of his good reputation before. And it’s luckier because Jaehyun’s family is wealthy. Money could always speak, yeah. So, Jaehyun could stay. But, he has to retake some classes next semester.

 “Hyung?” Jaehyun calls Taeyong again. He has been calling Taeyong with ‘hyung’ since that morning, since Jaehyun came 3 days ago to Taeyong’s place after Jay _leaving_ him there.

“Huh? Oh, mmm, maybe because you’re not interested in your surrounding? I know you tho. I mean, I often saw you here. That’s your favorite seat.” Taeyong is pointing his finger at the corner of the room. “You always lower your head. You don’t care with your admirers who keep trying to steal a glance at you and wishing you could notice them.”

Jaehyun lets out a soft chuckle. “Are you one of them? My admirer?”

Taeyong scoffs. “You wish!”

“Then how could you know about me? Are you stalking me?” Jaehyun hasn’t stopped teasing Taeyong. He finds it enjoyable, seeing those pink shades painting the grey haired boy’s fluffy cheeks.

“I’m a good observer, you know.” Taeyong shakes his head and glares.

 _Cute._ Jaehyun thinks.

He has no idea why he feels so comfortable around Taeyong even though he has only known Taeyong for 3 days. As if they’ve known each other before.

Oh, they have known each other before, based on what Taeyong said, although both of them don’t remember it.

“I have an appointment with your uncle at 4. You’ll come with me too, right, hyung?” Jaehyun suddenly scared. Later, at his therapy, Kim Jae Joong would try to make Jaehyun remembers his past.

Taeyong nods. “Mmm. But I have class until 5. I’ll go to uncle’s clinic as soon as I’ve finished.”

“Then I’ll come at 5 too! I’ll wait for you in front of your class.”

“No!”

Jaehyun frowns “Why?”

Taeyong bites his lower lip, should he tell Jaehyun about Ten?

“My friend knows Jay.”

“Really? How?”

Taeyong shrugs. “It’s a long story, but the point is, if he saw you here, it would be complicated.”

“Your friend, Ten? Your best friend?”

Taeyong nods. “Yes. Do you know him?”

“No, but I know he’s your best friend.”

Taeyong smirks, suddenly have an idea how to take a revenge for Jaehyun’s teasing earlier. “Eeey, you seem to know a lot of things about me, Jae. Mmm, I remember you were stalking me, wearing that weird hat and specs.”

“W-what? Nooo!”

Taeyong chuckles, _Jaehyun is really adorable_ , he thinks.

“You don’t have talent in stalking, Jaehyun. It’s too obvious.” Taeyong puts his chin on his palms, staring at Jaehyun with a playful smile.

“I’m not as good as you, hyung.” Jaehyun suddenly grins again, confidently.

“What’s that mean?”

“I mean, you’re so talented in stalking me all these years. I have never noticed you before.”

“YA! Who’s stalking you, huh?!” Taeyong hits Jaehyun’s arms.

“Sssshhhh, people are staring at us, hyung. Lower your voice!” Jaehyun grins even wider, enjoying the sight in front of him.

Taeyong groans and hides his face in between the text books. Jaehyun giggles. He reaches out, stroking Tayeong’s red cheeks and ears gently.

“You’re cute, hyung.” This time he says those words out loud.

“Shut up! I’m not cute!” Taeyong pouts, _cutely_ , Jaehyun can’t hold himself to not squeeze Tayeong’s cheeks.

“Hey! Stop abusing my face! Ugh! My cheeks are not as chubby as yours! Go pinch your own cheeks!”

“If you want pinching my cheeks, just tell me, hyung.” Jaehyun smiles innocently with his famous dimples smile, but his eyes glint mischievously, and his deep voice sounds huskier.

Taeyong scoffs. “I rather slap your cheek!”

“Which cheek?”

“Oh. My. God! I didn’t sign up for this! I never know you’re so pervert, Jae!”

Jaehyun laughs. “Why? What’s wrong? I’m just asking which one? My left cheek or my right cheek? Not my ass cheeks, you know.” Jaehyun ruffles Tayeong’s hair affectionately. If it’s someone else, Taeyong would be mad. But it’s Jaehyun, so he just lets him.

Taeyong couldn’t count anymore how many times Jaehyun has made his face blushes in less than an hour.

“Hyung, let’s have lunch!”

Taeyong nods. He shut his laptop down and Jaehyun helps him close the books and then carries them in his hands.

“Let me…” Taeyong reaches out for his books, but Jaehyun lifts his hands higher.

“It’s alright, hyung. Let me bring this for you.”

Taeyong smiles. _Jaehyun is really sweet_ , he thinks.

But, Jaehyun’s next words make him annoyed. “Don’t bring too many books! You’d break your bones, hyung.”

“Hey! I’m not weak!”

Jaehyun laughs. “You’re so skinny. I’m afraid you’d have a backache, grandpa.”

“JUNG JAEHYUN!”

Jaehyun is only laughing and running, escaping Taeyong’s wrath.

“I’ll dye my hair tomorrow! Just wait! I would look younger than you!”

“Mmm, dye it brown, hyung!”

“How about blonde? Would it look good on me?”

Jaehyun nods. “You’ll look good in any color, hyung.”

Taeyong smiles. “Let’s change your hair color too!”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “No. I like it black.”

“I think blonde would suit you, Jae! You’d look like a prince!”

“I already look like a prince.” Jaehyun says, full of confidence, earning a playful slap on his arm from Taeyong.

“Hyung, later, after the therapy, can I come to your place? I want tasting your cooking again. The cafeteria food is suck!”

“Aigoo~ baby giant, okay, okay, I’ll cook a lot of foods for you and make your chubby cheeks become chubbier.” Taeyong says cheerfully as he links his arm on Jaehyun’s muscled arm.

“Thank you hyung! You’re the best!” Jaehyun looks really happy.

Taeyong smiles, wondering why it’s so easy to get close to Jaehyun. Why his heart feels so light and at ease whenever Jaehyun is around.

At first, he thought he would be awkward around Jaehyun, but he’s wrong. Even 3 days ago, when Jaehyun came to his place for the first time when Taeyong’s sober, they fit each other immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Paris, France.

This Saturday, Sa-chan cooks a lot of Korean dish for Hansol. Hansol actually wants asking him to have a date outside, but seeing how happy Sa-chan cooking those dish, Hansol just let him stay at home. Hansol thinks, maybe Sa-chan needs the fresh air. For these past two weeks, Sa-chan was so busy with his exams. His world was only rotates around university and home. Added the task of cooking meals for Hansol! Ever since Hansol moves to Sa-chan’s apartment to stay with him, Sa-chan insists to take care of Hansol’s meals everyday, and even packs him lunch box so Hansol could eat it at his office. Hansol is really happy of course, Sa-chan is a wonderful cook, and he always cooks a lot of dish for Hansol as if Hansol is a Joseon king, but sometimes he just wants Sa-chan to rest.

“Sa-chan, let’s go shopping tomorrow! And how about a movie date after dinner? You don’t have to cook. Let’s eat at Les Apotres de Pigalle for lunch. And at Le Cinq for dinner.”

Sa-chan nods excitedly. “I’d love to, Sol hyung! Your boss has given you the bonus for your successful deal with the new investor, I see.”

Hansol chuckles, “No, he hasn’t.”

Sa-chan’s eyes widen, he takes a seat in front of Hansol after placing the dishes neatly at the dining table. “Really? Then you have to ask him! Or do I need to call him in your place?”

“Sounds tempting.”

Sa-chan grins, but a minute later his eyes are focusing on the empty seat beside Hansol. Hansol stiffens. Sa-chan is looking at _something_ Hansol couldn’t see, again.

Sa-chan’s lips press tighter, as if he’s trying really hard to restrain himself to not talking to his hallucination, knowing it would make Hansol sad.

Hansol put his hand on Sa-chan’s hand, caresses it softly. “It’s alright, Sa-chan, it’s alright.”

Sa-chan smiles, but his eyes are glistening with the tears. “Sol hyung, for me… Yoonoh is as real as you.”

“Is he here right now?”

Sa-chan nods. “He’s smiling to me. He said he misses Korean dish.”

“Does he want to eat with us?”

Sa-chan nods.

“Then let him eat. Does he still here?”

Instead of answering Hansol’s question, Sa-chan stands up and embraces Hansol. “Sol hyung…” he sniffles.

Hansol pats Sa-chan’s back gently. “It’s alright, Sa-chan. It’s alright. I love you.”

Sa-chan closes his eyes, feeling Hansol’s warm lips on his forehead. “I love you too, hyung. Thank you… for not leaving me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s 2 AM and Hansol suddenly wakes up because he hears a loud scream coming from the living room.

“Sa-chan?” He can’t find Sa-chan beside him, so he hurriedly runs out of the bedroom just to find Sa-chan crying on the couch. His hands are making a pose as if he’s hugging someone right now.

“I’m sorry, Taeyongie. I’m sorry. I don’t deserve to live after what I’ve done to you. I’m sorry….”

Hansol freezes. _Taeyongie? Who’s Taeyongie? Sa-chan’s other hallucination? Another brother?_

“Sa-chan!” Hansol shakes Sa-chan’s shoulders.

“I’m sorry, Taeyongie….” Sa-chan keeps crying and hugging his hallucination.

“If you want me to die, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything, Taeyongie. Please forgive me…”

Hansol is bringing Sa-chan’s medication with him. “Sa-Sa-chan! Here. Drink this. Taeyongie is alright. Taeyongie wants you having this…”

“Taeyongie wants me to die, hyung. Give those pills to me, hyung! Let me die!” Sa-chan cries louder.

Hansol’s hands are shaking when he’s handing the medication and put it into Sa-chan’s mouth.

Tears are still rolling down Sa-chan’s cheeks, but he gets more relaxed now. For awhile, Hansol lets Sa-chan crouch on the couch, hugging his own knees, let him calm himself down.

5 minutes. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Hansol is just standing there, not too close to Sa-chan, giving him privacy, giving him spaces he needed.

Sa-chan’s loud cry has turned into a soft sniffle now.

“Sol hyung, I’m a bad brother. I let Taeyongie suffering. I betray him. I give him to… to…”

“Ssshhh, it’s alright, Sa-chan. I’m here. I’m here.” Hansol walks closer to Sa-chan so he can pull Sa-chan into a really tight embrace.

“Yuta.”

“Huh?”

“My real name. Nakamoto Yuta.”

“Yuta. It’s a pretty name. Do you want me calling you Yuta from now on?”

Sa-chan nods as he presses his cheek closer to Hansol’s broad chest. “I’m a bad person, hyung. Really bad.”

“No. You’re not, Sa – Yuta. You’re not a bad person, Yuta.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yusol! Hihihi. <3
> 
> Does this story make you bored? Just tell me if it gets boring. I know this story is lack of many things and not fun. It’s too serious and maybe makes you dizzy, LOL. So just tell me your suggestion. :))
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3 <3 <3


	7. Chapter 7

Jaehyun thought, nightmares would always stay as nightmares. It’s alright to have nightmares everytime he sleeps. It doesn’t matter because in the end… he could wake up from those nightmares.

Nightmare is just nightmare, it doesn’t real, no matter how many times Jaehyun saw the same nightmares, he always thought it didn’t mean anything.

But when those nightmares turn out to be memories, then he knows he can never waking up from it. He can’t escape it. Not anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********* ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_You’re always hiding yourself behind me, Jung Jaehyun. You let me suffering, meanwhile what you’ve done is just escaping. Where were you when I fight alone in your place? Where were you when I took all of the blames?_

Jaehyun remembers what Jay wrote on the sticky notes. Maybe Jay was right.

“I’m a coward. I can’t embrace the pain.” Jaehyun looks out of the window. The twilight looks mesmerizing. Usually he adores it, records it in his head - how beautiful it is – and make it last eternally on his canvas, even though the painting would never be as good as the real thing. But this time, the beautiful _real_ painting across the sky fails to brighten the dark places inside of his heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ****** ~~~~~~~~~~~

 _You let me took all of your pains, so don’t blame me when I took all of your sources of happiness including Lee Taeyong._  

Taeyong.

God knows how much Jaehyun willing to trade those painful memories with everything he has. Just take everything! His wealth, his health, his happiness, and even his life! He only wishes Taeyong doesn’t have any connection with his fucked up past.

“Please don’t let Taeyong be a part of those memories…”

“Taeyong is not one of those little boys, right?”

Jaehyun has been on his fully defense, maybe that’s why during the therapy he only sees _what happened_ to the little boys, without knowing how they look like as their faces were always blurry, moreover their names.

“What do you see?” Kim Jaejoong’s soothing voice is trying to break through Jaehyun’s defense, smoothly alluring Jaehyun to put his trust in him.

“A bus.” Jaehyun says. For an unknown reason, his voice is shaking, as if he’s already know what would he see after this. Maybe he also has seen this before, in his dream, thinking it’s just another nightmare.

“Where are you standing right now?”

“In front of the bus. The door is locked.” Jaehyun’s tremble voice becomes more uneven.

“Turn your head, look at your surrounding. Where are you?”

“A garage.”

“Do you see another bus?”

“No, just this one in front of me. The other’s cars are… luxurious. Sport cars.”

“Do you see someone?”

“No. But I hear voices….”

“What do you hear?”

“Someone… crying, in the bus.” Jaehyun’s fists are clenched unconsciously.

“Now you walk closer, you have the key in your hand to open the door, and now… it’s unlocked. You step into the bus, you can see and hear everything. Who are you looking at inside of the bus right now? How’s his condition?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, his eyes are still shut tightly as his tears are rolling down his cheeks. “A little boy, crouching down nakedly at the corner, there’re a lot of bruises on his skin. And I see… blood…”

Jaehyun chocks in pain. “He tells me to run. I can’t…breath. Someone… is chocking me from behind…” Jaehyun’s pale face turns even paler, his breathe shorten and quicken in an abnormal way.

“Jaehyun, when this music stops and I say 3, you’ll open your eyes. One, two, three.”

Jaehyun’s eyes shots open widely as he inhales as much air as his lungs could take. He wipes the cold sweats on his forehead with his backhand.

Jaejoong walks closer to him, pats his shoulder brotherly as he gives him a glass of mineral water. Jaehyun is taking it gladly and emptying it in oneshot.

It’s always ends up like that. He can never finish what he sees whenever his therapist gives him hypnosis.

Jaejoong said, it possibly because his mind refuses to remember every details clearly, he’s just still not ready to remember those pains.

“You’re not a failure, Jaehyun. Trust yourself. Someday, you’d be able to face it. You’ve made a good progress so far.” As usual, Jaejoong’s words are encouraging him.

“I’m a coward, aren’t I?” Jaehyun whispers softly as he bows his head, looking at his palms, feeling worthless and powerless.

“No, Jaehyun. You’re a really brave man. If you’re a coward, you won’t be here right now. You’ll just let your alter ego takes over your mind all the times, for the rest of your life. You’re here. You’re not hiding. And I think it’s the bravest thing you’ve done.”

Jaehyun smiles. “Thank you.”

Jaejoong pats his shoulder again. “Take it slowly, Jae. It’s alright, no need to push yourself too hard.”

“Ok, Jae hyung.”

Jaejoong chuckles. “Double Jae. Let’s move our counseling room at the coffee shop tomorrow. You need to chill your mind, Jae. I guess coming here too often makes you suffocating. Let’s just talk about simple things tomorrow.”

Jaehyun grins. “Simple things… such as telling me about Taeyong hyung’s weakness? Ugh! I have to take revenge on him for giving me a prank last week!”

Jaejoong’s laughter makes Jaehyun pouts. Of course, Jaejoong would think it’s funny, just like Taeyong.

“I didn't know you’re such a crybaby, Jaehyunnie.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “Like uncle like nephew.” He remembers, last week Taeyong said the exactly same words. _I didn't know you’re such a crybaby, Jaehyunnie._

“Cockroach is scary as hell, you know!”

“Even if it’s just a toy?” Jaejoong teases.

“Yes!” Jaehyun glares. “Jae hyung, are you sure you’re not blood related with Taeyong hyung?”

“You’re just missing him, Jaehyun.” Jaejoong smirks playfully.

Jaehyun heaves a deep sigh. Jaejoong is right. He just misses Taeyong. It’s only been one and half days, but he’s already missing Taeyong so bad.

“I hope his mom is alright.” Jaehyun mumbles as he looks out of the huge window, watching the snowflakes fall.

“Don’t worry, my sister is perfectly fine. She’s just missing her son.”

Jaehyun turns around, “I guess it runs in your family. Pranksters.”

Jaejoong shrugs, grinning innocently. “Maybe.”

Jaehyun smiles, liking this light atmosphere. Ever since he puts his trust more and being closer to his therapist as friends, it’s easier to talk and open up to him.

Jaehyun’s eyes squint when he catches a familiar black BMW parked across the street.

“Shit!” He curses. “My cousin came again. I guess he doesn’t believe what I’ve said. Can you help me, hyung? Please tell him… I only have the _not too severe_ anxiety because of school.”

Jaejoong walks closer, standing next to Jaehyun and looking out of the window following Jaehyun’s gaze.

“Jae, it’s better if your family know about your disorder.”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “No. They’ll freak out! I can’t let them know! Hyung, please… do me this favor.”

Jaehyun is pleading at Jaejoong with his twinkling huge puppy eyes. Taeyong’s heart could always soften because of Jaehyun’s adorable looks, and he wishes it has the same effect on Jaejoong.

“Don’t give me that look, brat! I’m not Taeyong.” Jaejoong shakes his head, grinning teasingly, as if he _knows_ more than Jaehyun thinks he does. “Ew, don’t give me that pouty weird look!” Whenever the therapy session has over, they’d talk like this, without any formalities.

“Hyuuung….”

“Alright, alright. But promise me to write your journal diligently.”

“Okay.” Jaehyun grins.

“So, this cousin of yours, since when he know you’re often coming here?”

“Last week. He followed me. I guess he came to my place when… Yoonoh or White took control my consciousness. He said I became different, like someone else, and never replied to any of his questions.” Jaehyun sighs. “He had been living in New York with my mom and dad. He said he’d stay in Seoul for a month. Thanks God he didn’t stay at my place! But, the problem is… he’s lying. My dad only told him to handle the business here for two weeks. He’s definitely suspecting me! Hyung, please… help me. I can’t let him know about my disorder.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******** ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s been 6 days since Jung Yunho, Jaehyun’s cousin, met Jaehyun’s therapist. Luckily, Yunho believed the _white lies_ his therapist said.

Jaehyun thought Yunho would go back to New York this evening, but here he is, leaning lazily on the couch as his mouth keeps munching honey bread.

“Hyuung, that’s the 4th bread you’ve eaten! Stop stealing my breads!”

Yunho ignores Jaehyun’s nag, his eyes are still focus on the television, watching _moomin_ , and he’d laugh like an idiot from time to time.

“Hyung, what are you? 5?”

“Shut up, Jaehyun! Jaejoong really likes these moomins. I have to know more about them.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. Who ever guess his annoying cousin would fall for his therapist at the first sight?! Jaejoong’s beauty has been blinding Yunho, making him acts like a 5 years old kid, giggling stupidly at some weird white fat imaginary creatures called _Moomins_. Jung Yunho is a vice CEO of Jung’s corp, for God’s sake!

Jaehyun doesn’t know if he should be thankful or not because of Jaejoong’s unbeatable charms. Jaehyun 100% sure Yunho believes the “lie” immediately because he’s just too captivated by Jaejoong’s beauty!

 

_“Are you sure you’re not having feeling for him? You’re not coming here to seduce him, are you?” It’s what Yunho said 6 days ago, as soon as Jaehyun stepped into Yunho’s car, after Jaejoong giving him explanation about Jaehyun’s anxiety, it’s a lie of course._

_“The heck, hyung! Noooo! He’s only my therapist!” Jaehyun almost got a heart attack. How could his cousin think he has feeling for Kim Jae Joong?! It’s funny how infatuation could make someone think dumbly like that._

_Then yesterday, when Jaehyun talked to Taeyong via skype, Yunho suddenly came from behind. “Is he your boyfriend?”_

_“HOLY SHIT! HYUNG! CAN YOU PLEASE WALKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND NOT A NINJA?!”_

_Yunho just ignored him. “Hey, what’s your name?” He talked to Taeyong, showing off his flirty smile. Jaehyun wanted to smack his face!_

_“Lee Taeyong.” Taeyong answered with a giggle._

_“You look familiar.”_

_“Oh hyung, please! Remember your age! Stop throwing him your cheap pick up lines!”_

_“Shut up, Jae! He looks really familiar. Wait! Don’t you think he looks like Jaejoongie?”_

_“Jaejoong? Kim Jaejoong? My uncle?” Taeyong looked confused. “Do you know my uncle?”_

_Yunho nodded. “Yes.” Then he smirked knowingly at Jaehyun. “You know what, Jaehyunnie? I think we have the same taste in men.”_

_“What does that mean?”_

_“Think harder, idiot!”_

 

But until today, Jaehyun still has no idea what Yunho said.

Yunho adores Jaejoong, yes Jaehyun knows it very well. Is that mean… Jaehyun adores Taeyong too? Maybe. But he thinks it’s the different kind of adoration. Yunho only adores Jaejoong physically, like seriously, everytime he talks about Jaejoong, he would always mention how sexy Jaejoong lips are, and then he’d mention a lot of dirty stuffs like a horny old man. Meanwhile Jaehyun adores Taeyong because Taeyong is really cute, clumsy, pure, and sometimes mischievous.

_‘Really, Jaehyun? Says who’s tempted to touch Taeyong when Jay suddenly disappeared and you saw Taeyong on the top of you?’_

Jaehyun shakes his head. “Stupid hormone!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 Jaehyun’s eyes shut as soon as _Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata 1 st Movement Opus 27 No.2_ plays softly.

“Jaehyun, you’re now standing really far… far away from the garage. You’re safe. No one trying to harm you. What do you see?”

“A mansion. A really big mansion.”

“Do you want to walk inside?”

“Yes.”

“Go then.”

“It’s dark. I can’t see… anything. But I hear voices.”

“What voices?”

“A boy, crying. And a man… cursing.” Jaehyun’s body starts trembling again uncontrollably with a drop of sweats all over his forehead, like usual, whenever he recalls something bad from his past.

“Jaehyun, take a deep breath, slowly… exhale, inhale, good. Don’t worry, you got everything under control, and now you can see everything. What do you see?”

“A room. The voices… coming from that room. A boy is crying, and a man is cursing. There’s a loud screaming… asking for help.”

“Do you want going there?”

“Yes. But someone… holds my wrist. A boy. He’s… the same little boy I saw in the bus.”

“Are you sure it’s him? Can you see his face now?”

“No. But I see the tattoo on his nape, like wings. He has the same mark with me. He told me to run. I’m running with him.”

“Where?”

Jaehyun is panting hard. “I don’t know. It’s a dark alley. I can’t… breath. We’re hiding now. I’m hiding…, and he’s gone.”

“NOOOOOOO!” Jaehyun suddenly screams.

“What happen?”

“The boy… he’s comeback. He has a short knife on his hand. He’s… he’s trying to hurt himself. NOOOOOOO! PLEASE DON’T DO THAT! HYUNG! DROP IT! YUTA HYUNG, PLEASE….” Jaehyun is screaming and crying hysterically. “YUTA HYUNG, PLEASE…. STOP IT!” Jaehyun’s body is shaking. He’s struggling, reaching out, but his hands are just touching the thin air.

Jaehyun coughs. His throat burnt, as if he’s just swallowed a huge and really sharp rock. It’s the same sensation like before, just like when someone was trying to choke him to death at the garage.

“Jaehyun, when the music stops and I say 3, open your eyes. One, two, three.”

After Jaehyun opens his eyes, he’s hiding his face in between his palms, tears are still streaming down his cheeks. “Long time ago… I was dreaming about it. But I never called his name. That boy… was slitting his wrist with the knife, over… and over again. I could only watch him, too scared to do anything. I was screaming, but nothing came out of my mouth. Finally I know what I was screaming on that dream. It’s not only a nightmare, but also memory, just like any other nightmares I had.”

“And we got a name. Yuta.” Jaejoong says.

Jaehyun nods. He’s wiping his tears as he whispers weakly. “Who’s Yuta?”

“Jay, Jaeyook, White, and Yoonoh said… Yuta is their brother.”

“Do I have a brother?”

Jaejoong hums. “You said he has the same tattoo with you. On the nape.”

Jaehyun nods.

“Then he could be your brother in the different context, such as brothers in a gang. Have you ever searched anything about the tattoo on your nape?”

Jaehyun shakes his head. “I always thought it’s a birthmark. It looks like a birthmark to me. But now I know it’s a tattoo…”

“Can I… see it?”

Jaehyun nods. “Hyung, why do I feel like this? Like… like I don’t know how to describe it. It hurts, hyung. So much. My head can’t remember who’s Yuta hyung, but it hurts thinking that maybe he has died.”

Jaehyun flinches a bit when Jaejoong’s cold fingers brush on his nape, observing his tattoo. “And what if… the other boy I heard crying in the room actually is... Taeyong hyung? It seems like… someone raped him!”

Jaejoong pats Jaehyun’s shoulder, trying to make him calmer. “We can’t make a conclusion just because of those assumptions, Jae.  Let’s try remembering more.”

Jaehyun nods. He closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath, trying to gather himself.

Jaejoong is handing him a cup of hot peach tea.

“Thanks, hyung.” The lump in his throat has been replaced by something warm and comfy. 1% because of the hot peach tea, and 99% because of what Jaejoong said.

“If Taeyong is that boy, don’t you think he’d experience something right now? As far as my observation and examination on him, he’s alright.”

Jaehyun smiles. “I hope so. It’s scary if… he experiences something more horrible than what I’m experiencing right now.”

Jaejoong shakes his head. “It depends, Jae. Sometimes, guilt is so much scarier. In your recollection earlier, Yuta brought you to the escaping place. Both of you leaved the boy who’s crying and screaming asking for help in that room. We have to find out, how often you guys did that. You might have the guilt, and Yuta might have it more severe than you. You said he hurt himself? It could be because of so many reasons, and guilt could be one of those reasons.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s past midnight, but Jaehyun is still awake. He has been re-reading his journal since 3 hours ago, amazed at how often he writes in it lately. Months before, there were a lot of empty pages on his journals as his alter egos took control his consciousness most of the times.

“Lately, they’ve been strangely serene. I wonder why…”

 _You’ve become stronger and braver_ , _Jaehyun_. That’s what his therapist said. Really? But why does he feel that he’s more terrified in finding out what’s exactly happened in his past?! The fears, those terrors had never been as real as right now.

Jaehyun turns his laptop on, calling Taeyong via _Google hangouts_.

“Jaehyunnie! I thought you’ve asleep.”

As soon as Jaehyun hears Taeyong’s soft soothing voice, and sees how those big beautiful eyes are staring back at him worriedly, Jaehyun can’t help but smiles like an idiot.

“Hyung, when will you comeback here? Don’t you have final exams?”

Taeyong grins. “I’m a 4th year student, Jae. I only got a lot of final projects as the exam, and it’s done. Yay! Thanks to Ten who’s willing to make the print out then sent it to our professors.”

Jaehyun pouts. “It’s not fair! My head almost explodes because of reading too many text books!”

“Aigoo~~ Jaehyunnie…” Taeyong’s chuckle is so pleasant in Jaehyun’s ears, but he refuses to give in, so he’s still keeping his pouty face on.

“Hyung, come on... comeback here and cook me lots of delicious food!”

Taeyong glares coldly. “I’m not your personal chef! And it’s not like you want me there because you miss me.”

“If I say I miss you, would you fly here as soon as possible?”

Taeyong shrugs. “If you mean it.”

“Hyuuuung, I miss you.” Jaehyun tries showing off his best _aegyo_ and his dimples smile. Taeyong can never resist his dimples smile, right?

Taeyong reaches out, making a gesture as if he’s pinching Jaehyun’s cheeks right now, on the laptop screen.

“You only miss my cooking, Jaehyunnie. Stop lying!”

“Hyung, I really really miss you!”

“Oh, really? Say who’s competing with his cousin to win my uncle’s heart over!”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“Stop acting dumb! Yunho hyung said you guys have the same taste in men. I know he’s so into my uncle. That’s mean, you’re into my uncle too!”

“Oh My God! Hahaha, no way! No freaking waaay!”

Taeyong squint his eyes. His thin lips press tighter. “Denying won’t change anything, you know.”

Jaehyun is still laughing hard. He’s having a really really good laugh, thanks to Taeyong.

“You’re so cute when you’re jealous, hyung.”

“I’M NOT JEALOUS! WHO ARE YOU, HUH? WHY SHOULD I FEEL JEALOUS? EEEWWWW!”

Taeyong’s quick response only makes Jaehyun laughs louder.

“Stop laughing! It’s not funny!” Taeyong’s beautiful brown orbs look larger as he brings his face closer to the cam, giving Jaehyun his best scary glare, but Jaehyun thinks it’s so adorable.

“Alright, alright.” Jaehyun says, but he’s still giggling, making Taeyong glares sharper at him.

Jaehyun is smiling now, gently, not teasingly like earlier. “Hyung, just telling you this, you’re waaaay more attractive than your uncle. So, please comeback here, alright? I’ve missed you. And I mean it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Paris, France.

“Sa-chan, I’ve packed your… ugh, I mean… Yuta, I’ve packed your luggage.” Hansol rubs his nape clumsily, making Yuta laughs.

Yuta wraps his arms around his boyfriend’s muscular back. “I love Sa-chan more. Why? Because you’re the first person who called me Sa-chan. Everyone else called me Sasuke.” Yuta grins widely as his huge eyes glint playfully.

“Yuta. Yuta. Yuta. Yuta is nice, but my tongue is too familiar with Sa-chan. It’s just rolling on like that.”

Yuta kisses Hansol’s cheek lightly. “It’s alright. Just call me Sa-chan, Sol hyung.”

Hansol nods eagerly. “Alright, Sa-chan!”

Yuta gives him a blindingly beautiful toothy grin. “I’m so excited to see your cousin and your uncle!”

Hansol ruffles Yuta’s hair. “Ten has been talking non stop about you. Sa-chan this, Sa-chan that, what dish do you like, where should he take you later, would you hate it if he asks you to play ski with him, have you gone to namsan tower, what Korean dish you know, bla… bla… bla…” Hansol rolls his eyes.

Yuta giggles. “Your cousin is really cute. When I talked to him 2 days ago, he had changed his hair color to red wine just because his best friend did it too.”

“Johnny?” Hansol’s voice changes. “That dude needs to man up! He’s been taking too much times!”

Yuta caresses Hansol’s cheek softly. “Ten seems clueless about Johnny’s feeling tho.”

Hansol scoffs. “Tennie is always clueless in everything, it’s not new. He just needs someone who’s bold and patient enough to deal with him, but sadly Johnny is _too_ patient.”

“This year’s Christmas would be fun. I always want having an innocent and talkative brother like Ten!” Yuta smiles, the spark in his eyes is so genuine and contagious, Hansol can’t resist to smile, too.

“Just prepare your ears, Sa-chan. Ten is _too_ talkative. He always makes my head hurts. Jesus! Ten’s voice was ringing in my ears for months, even after I hadn’t talked to him for a year!”

Yuta is still giggling as he’s burying his face on Hansol’s chest. For awhile, they let the silence fills their room. Both of them already feeling content with just listening to each other’s breathe.

But, suddenly, Yuta’s grip on Hansol’s arms is tightening in a painful way.

“Sa-chan, what’s wrong?” Hansol asks tenderly, but his eyes show worries.

“Sol hyung, do you love me?” Yuta’s voice is shaking.

“Of course, Sa-chan. I love you. You know that.” Hansol trails soft kisses on Yuta’s face.

Yuta nods. “Mmm, I know. But, what if… what if you have to choose? Ten is your cousin. You both share the same blood. You love me, but… I’m just a stranger. Blood is thicker than water after all. When you have to choose between me and him, to save me or to save him, who would you choose?”

“It’s a hard question, Sa-chan. I would try to save both of you.”

“But if you can’t?”

“I’d try my best, so I can save both of you.” Hansol smiles, but Yuta is only frowning, and tears start pooling in his eyes.

“I didn’t try my best, hyung. I don’t deserve to live! I chose Yoonoh because he’s my half brother. I chose Yoonoh over Taeyong. I’m a monster… who threw Taeyong into the beast’s den! I didn’t care if he was hurt. I didn’t try to save him. I don’t deserve to live…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final exam is getting closer. :((  
> Then after that… Christmas, holiday, my birthday, and new year.  
> I can’t promise you when I’ll update this story.
> 
> Feel free to give me suggestions about this story. It's always fun to read what  you think :))  
> Usually, I reply to your comments, but I won’t reply to your comments from now on to avoid spoilers. Hahaha.  
> Thanks for reading! <3


	8. Chapter 8

Jaejoong phone’s ringtone is blaring, making him groaning in annoyance. _Fuck! It’s Saturday! Let me wake up a bit late!_ He thinks.

He knows, as a psychiatrist, he have to always be _there_ anytime, whenever his clients need him. But this is too much. He haven’t had enough sleep for these past two weeks since he’s appointed as the new leader of the psychiatric department at his hospital.

“Hello…” With both eyes still shut tightly, Jaejoong finally answers the call. He was expecting to hear one of his client’s voice, but now he can only hears the overly joyful Taeyong on the other side.

“Uncleeee, can you please pick me up at the airport now?”

Jaejoong groans. “Just take a taxi, Tae! I’m still sleepy. Bye!” Jaejoong ends the call, ready to go back to sleep, but less than a minute later his phone rings again. Taeyong, of course. He should’ve just turned off his phone!

“Uncle, come oooon, I’m bringing too many luggages. I bought something for you too uncle. And you know what, most of these things are yours.”

“Fine! Wait for me.” Actually Jaejoong could just ignore Taeyong, but he knows too well if he ignores Taeyong now, later Taeyong would bring this matter up often and blackmails him, saying he’s irresponsible, bad uncle, etc… etc. It’s his fault telling his nephew to bring him his old text books, journals, and clothes from his sister’s house in Vancouver!

An hour later, at the airport.

“I thought you’d be back next week, Tae.” Jaejoong helps Taeyong with the luggage.

Taeyong grins and chuckles softly. “Someone said he’s been missing me.”

Jaejoong has a feeling he doesn’t want to know who that someone is.

“Uncle, can you drop me off to Jaehyun’s place?”

Jaejoong rolls his eyes. “This early?”

Taeyong nods eagerly.

Jaejoong sighs. “He didn’t come to the therapy session yesterday. What make you think he’s at his home right now? Have you called him?”

“No. I want to give him surprise.” Taeyong’s gaze is really tender and full of excitement.

“Taeyong, you know Jaehyun is… _different_ , right? You can’t expect him to always available for you.”

Taeyong suddenly stops smiling. “I know.” He heaves a deep sigh before saying, “But I hope he’s there, Jaehyun, not his alter egos.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********** ~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Taeyong have to swallow his disappointment when he finds White sitting on the living room floor, drawing with his crayons. It’s unusual.

Seems like Jaejoong have the same thought with Taeyong, his brows furrowed, scanning White’s drawing on the floor. The drawings are full of color, but there’s something horrific about it, Taeyong couldn’t pinpoint what.

Jaejoong walks closer to White. White ignores Jaejoong and Taeyong’s presence, just keep drawing passionately.

“It looks like beach and sunset, but…” Taeyong stops talking when Jaejoong raises his hand.

“Can you check his room?” Jaejoong asks.

“What?” Taeyong confused.

“Please check his room, now.” Jaejoong’s voice sounds a bit stern, making Taeyong runs to Jaehyun’s room, to check on whatever it is his uncle wants to prove.

Taeyong gasps. His eyes widen. The room’s walls painted with red and black crayons, forming something abstract. Taeyong doesn’t understand what it means, but it gives him dread.

Something caught Taeyong’s eyes. There, on Jaehyun’s bed, there are a lot of pills, and Taeyong doubts it’s just a normal sleeping pills.

Before Taeyong have a chance to touch the pills, he hears his uncle screaming. “WHITE! WHITE! TAEYONG! CALL THE AMBULANCE!”

Taeyong feels his world crumbles down when he sees Jaehyun’s unconscious body lying on the floor. His face looks really pale. No, no, NOOOO! Please no!

 Taeyong’s legs are shaking when he walks closer. His uncle is still trying to give Jaehyun the first aid.

“I-I found the pills o-on his b-bed.”

“It’s Yoonoh before White. Call the ambulance now! I’d trying my best to make him keep breathing.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ****** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

5 hours later.

Taeyong rubs his eyes. It’s been 5 hours, but his tears won’t stop streaming down his face. How could he? Even after the doctor said Jaehyun would be alright, but Jaehyun was almost dead earlier! Imagine what if Taeyong didn’t ask his uncle to drop him off at Jaehyun’s place!

 Taeyong touches Jaehyun’s head carefully, caressing the soft ash blonde hair tenderly as he silently keeps praying in his heart for Jaehyun.

Jaejoong had handled the administration and called Jaehyun’s cousin, Yunho. Of course, sooner or later Yunho and Jaehyun’s family in New York would find out about Jaehyun’s disorder, although for now Jaejoong’s still keeping it as a secret, to respect Jaehyun’s request.

“Jaehyun’s parents would fly here tonight.” Taeyong could hear what Yunho said to Jaejoong before they walk out of the room, leaving Taeyong alone with Jaehyun who’s still sleeping peacefully.

Taeyong rubs his eyes again, doesn’t care if it makes his eyes more swollen, before leaning down his face closer to Jaehyun’s and kissing Jaehyun’s forehead lightly, afraid of waking him up.

Taeyong has no idea who’s in front of him right now, and who would greet him later. Jaehyun? Jay? Jaeyook? Yoonoh? White? For him, it’s always been Jaehyun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ************* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Hey sexy, if you want to sleep, come here and sleep next to me.”

Taeyong wakes up with a light touch on his cheek and a familiar cocky voice.

“JAY!” Taeyong jumps and then gives Jay a really tight hug, for a moment forgetting that Jay is just out of the surgery room 24 hours ago, so it must’ve been still hurt receiving a bone-crushing hug like that.

Honestly, Taeyong wished it would be Jaehyun, not Jay, but it doesn’t matter as long as Jaehyun is alright right now.

Jay smirks. “Miss me?”

Taeyong nods as he wipes his tears and smiles like an idiot.

“Come here.” Jay pulls Taeyong into a tight embrace again. “I’m sorry….” Jay whispers softly as he kisses Taeyong’s head.

Taeyong has no idea why Jay said sorry, he’s just too glad Jay (and of course Jaehyun) is alright. Taeyong buries his face on Jay’s shoulder, inhaling his scent, Jaehyun’s scent. Because no matter who takes control his consciousness, he's always has the same scent.

Taeyong tightens his hug. But Jay ruins the moment.

“I’m hungry.” Jay grins.

Taeyong pulls away then nods. “I’ll call the nurse to give you something.”

“No, just stay here.” Jay pulls Taeyong again, hugging him tighter this time.

Taeyong heaves a sigh. “You haven’t eaten anything for… God knows how long!”

Jay chuckles. “Alright. But I want pizza!”

Taeyong rolls his eyes. He pats Jay’s head before walking out of the room.

Jay is still giving Taeyong a really fond smile until Taeyong out of his sight. Honestly he’s not _that_ hungry. His head has been so fucking hurt! He can’t pretend to be alright anymore in front of Taeyong!

“Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!” Jay pulls his hair, wishing it would lessen the pain. “Aaaarrrrggghhhhhh!” Jay screams louder. He knows, someone is trying to take over his consciousness. But he doesn’t know who that someone is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Taeyong enters Jaehyun’s room with the nurse and the doctor (he also have called his uncle who’s on his way to the hospital), he can’t find Jay!

“Where is he?” The doctor asks.

Taeyong’s hands are shaking when he touches a sheet of tissue on the bed with some words on it.

 

 _God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade_  
_Exit seraphim and Satan’s men_  
 _I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead._

 

_I fancied you’d return the way you said  
But I grow old and I forget your name_

_I think I made you up inside my head._

 

~ Jeffrey ~

 

Who’s Jeffrey?

~~~~ **** ~~~~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem written by Sylvia Plath.
> 
> Hello! Do you still remember this story? It’s been a long time. I’m glad I can write again. Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot for me :)))
> 
> I’m sorry if this story is getting weirder or worse and didn’t live up to your expectations.
> 
> Yay! Jaeyong happened SO MANY TIMES lately. It made me soooooo happy.
> 
> I really want writing jaeyong fluffy story, but it didn’t fit into this chapter, so I don’t know, maybe I’d write a jaeyong oneshot later, full of fluffy and cheesy things, lol.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update in 24 hours. Read the previous chapter first if you haven’t!

 

Based on the CCTVs, Jaehyun haven’t gone out of this hospital. Taeyong is still holding the tissue, reading the poem written on it over and over again as he’s also thinking what’s the meaning behind those words and where’s possibly Jaehyun (or Jeffrey) right now.

Taeyong thinks Jeffrey is Jaehyun’s new and unknown alter ego. There’s no way someone named Jeffrey kidnapped Jaehyun (Jay) earlier and just left a poem on a sheet of tissue! It must’ve been Jaehyun’s alter ego who wrote it, not someone else.

 _Jeffrey, Jeffrey_ , _Jeffrey_. Taeyong says the name repeatedly, wondering what traits this unknown alter ego possesses. Does he good? Or bad?

Taeyong shakes his head. There are always good and bad traits in every human being. No one is perfect. What’s the difference is which trait is the dominant one.

While the doctors are still waiting for the report from the security teams regarding Jaehyun’s whereabouts, Taeyong decides to just take the elevator to the rooftop.

Based on the short poem, Jeffrey sounds like a romanticist. There isn’t any place with a good view in this hospital aside of the rooftop garden. A romanticist tends to seek for nice views for inspiration, although many of romanticists love to drowned into their own misery and turn their hurt experiences into something beautiful such as poems, or songs.

Jeffrey’s short poem sounds beautiful, but also sad, and depressed at the same time. Taeyong’s worried Jeffrey had the severe depression.

Just like what Taeyong have guessed, Jeffrey is there, standing alone on the rooftop as he closed his eyes, enjoying the winter breeze with a soft smile plastered on his peaceful face, doesn’t bother with the cold breeze that makes Taeyong shivered as he walks closer to Jeffrey. Taeyong silently curse himself for leaving his warm coat at Jaehyun’s room!

Taeyong is now standing next to Jeffrey who’s still unaware of his presence. He has no idea how to pull Jeffrey out of his own world, so he clears his throat.

Jeffrey’s eyes flutters open. His gaze looks really soft but intimidating at the same time, like he has some sort of powers that make people around him deluding themselves as a special one but unable to do anything, just waiting for Jeffrey to decide, to give them any value, any words, any meaning in those beautiful brown orbs.

Jeffrey is not looking into your eyes, but into your soul. You’d feel naked under his gaze. You’d feel special but small. You’d feel nothing compared to him.

Jeffrey oozes the strong aura around him, like he had known this world better than you. Even like he had known you better than yourself.

“Do you know me?” Finally, after getting his sense back, Taeyong could say those words.

Jeffrey gives Taeyong a big smile as he shakes his head slowly. His deep gaze never leaves Taeyong’s nervous stare even for just a second, trapping Taeyong inside of those brown charming orbs.

Jeffrey is really charming. But dangerous.

There’s something in him that makes Taeyong doesn’t want to get closer to him.

“Do you know me?” Jeffrey’s voice sound so velvety. If only sounds had taste, then Jeffrey’s voice would taste like chocolate and honey.

Jeffrey is still smiling as he is holding his gaze at Taeyong more tenderly now, almost like as if he’s trying to entice Taeyong into whatever it is inside of his head.

The soft breeze that touches Jeffrey’s ash blonde hair makes him more ethereal in Taeyong’s eyes. Taeyong’s totally bewitched!

Jeffrey smiles even wider now, that’s what he wanted!

“Do you know me?” Jeffrey is asking the same question. Now it sounds a bit dangerous. Sounds like a trap.

Taeyong takes a deep breath before saying. “What do you think?”

Jeffrey lets out a cheerful chuckle. “Clever.” He takes one step closer to where Taeyong stands, bending his knees, so their eyes are on the same level now. “You’re curious about me. You want to know more about me.” Jeffrey smirks, feeling proud when he hears a soft gasp slips from Taeyong’s mouth.

“Are you a model?”

“Huh?” Tayeong feels really confused with the unexpected question.

“Your face would look really good on a magazine.” Jeffrey shrugs nonchalantly, but his eyes couldn’t lie, there’s a mischievous glint playing on those charming but dangerous orbs.

Taeyong shakes his head as his brain is thinking of a lot of possibilities. “No, I’m not.” His answer sounds too serious in Jeffrey’s ears.

Jeffrey didn’t know him! Jeffrey had no recollection of him!

Jeffrey chuckles as his eyes twinkling cutely. “I know right, it’d be better if it’s only me who has your face on my phone.”

Taeyong’s brows furrowed. “Excuse me, are you flirting with me?”

Jeffrey shrugs. “What do you think?”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything. He just presses his lips tight as he looks at Jeffrey with a really sharp gaze, wishing Jeffrey would stop playing, and start taking his question seriously.

“What’s your name?” Taeyong asks. It’d be weird if he said he knows Jeffrey.

“I’d tell you my name if you give me something in return.” Jeffrey smirks playfully.

“What?”

“Your name.” Jeffrey smiles. It had to be be sounds really lame and flirty in a failed way, but weirdly it sounds charming in Taeyong’s ears. Maybe it’s because of the smile. Those stupid dimples grin that could heal this entire hospital!

“Lee Taeyong.” Taeyong said.

Jeffrey smiles. “Lee Taeyong.” He said Taeyong’s name with his velvety voice, almost full of reverence.

Taeyong nods. “Your name?”

“Jeffrey. Jeffrey Kim. Where is this?”

Taeyong frowns. “Seoul.”

Jeffrey hums. “I know this is South Korea, but I don’t know where exactly it is.”

“Where are you from?” Taeyong asks again. He knows it’s a little bit too early, judging from the change of Jeffrey’s expression.

“You’re really curious about me, huh?” He teases Taeyong, then laugh, making his eyes turn crescent. His eye’s smile looks really nice, of course, just like Jaehyun’s.

Taeyong nods. It’s better being honest with this kind of man. Honest, but wise.

“I’m from California.”

“Why are you here? I mean, do you remember why you are here?”

Jeffrey seems love to smile. This time he’s smiling too as he’s answering Taeyong’s question. “I don’t know. Why am I here? What happened to me? I have no idea. When I woke up, I feel so… stuffy.” Jeffrey stops talking, then chuckles. “Why am I telling you this? I’m sorry. I talk too much.” Jeffrey reaches out his hands, caressing Taeyong’s cheeks slowly. “You make me talk too much, Taeyong.”

Taeyong shivered. Not because of the cold breeze this time.

Jeffrey’s touches seem… odd.

Jeffrey is still caressing Taeyong’s face with his thumbs as he’s looking into Taeyong’s eyes intensely, almost seems like he’s feeling frustrated over something Taeyong couldn’t pinpoint what it is.

“Would you become my muse, Taeyong?” Jeffrey’s deep honey voice sends shiver down Taeyong’s spine.

“Are you an artist? Musician?” Taeyong asks, although he could guess it. Jeffrey is a writer. Or maybe writing poem is just his hobby, but Taeyong doubts it.

Jeffrey smiles and nods slowly. “An artist, but not a musician.”

“Are you a painter?”

Jeffrey hums. “Hmm, you could say. Though I often paint in words, sometimes in _shapes and colors_ , too.”

When Jeffrey said shapes and colors, Taeyong wanted to run!

Jeffrey is dangerous in many aspects. Almost like a predator. A beautiful predator.

Taeyong wants to run, but he’s too mesmerized with Jeffrey’s charms. His voice, his gaze, his touches, his smile, his scent. Everything in him pulls Taeyong in. It’s a maze. A trap.

One of Jeffrey’s arms circle Taeyong’s waist, pulls him closer until his face bumps into Jeffrey’s chest.

Jeffrey chuckles as he wraps his arms a bit protectively around Taeyong, it’s almost as if Jeffrey thinks Taeyong as one of his possessions, and Taeyong can’t get off his grasps.

“You’re really beautiful, Taeyong. There’re no words in this world would be able to describe your beauty. I’d make your beauty last for forever…” Jeffrey pecks Taeyong’s lips, making Taeyong’s eyes widen out of shocked. “We don’t have eternity, but I can give it to you…” Jeffrey touches Taeyong’s lips with his cold fingers. His gaze turns dark before leaning his face closer and kissing Taeyong’s lips again, this time longer, and a little bit more passionately than the first one.

Jeffrey’s lips are so moist and sweet. His touches are silky but the traces make Taeyong’s skin burnt. The scent of his mouth and the warmth of his tongue make Taeyong drunk.

Taeyong wraps his arms around Jeffrey’s neck, pulls Jeffrey closer, kissing him back a bit desperate. Jeffrey has _that_ weird effect, making Taeyong addicted into his touches in no times.

Jeffrey’s kisses turn rough as he bit Taeyong’s lower lip and suck on his tongue a bit impatient, but it sends him straight to heaven. He can’t think of anything at this moment aside of Jeffrey and his kisses, and his touches. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, only Jeffrey.

Jeffrey pulls away slowly, panting, out of breath. His face is still dangerously close to Taeyong’s as he is caressing Taeyong’s swollen lips with his thumbs. “For verily love knows not ‘mine’ or ‘thine, with separate ‘I’ and ‘thou’ free love has done; For one is both and both are one in love; Rich love knows nought of ‘thine that is not mine; Both have the strength and both the length thereof; Both of us, of the love which makes us one. See? I can think of those words when I kissed you. Be my muse. I’d give you this world.”

“H-how?” Taeyong is still in a daze because of the kiss, but he have to think more rational now! He can’t loose in this battle. He can’t loose to _this_ unknown alter ego in front of him, who unfortunately is too charming and too irresistible!

Jeffrey smirks proudly. “You’d see later. My uncle, Kim Joon Myeon, can pick me up with private jet right now if I want.”

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, too busy thinking. Kim Joon Myeon? Why does it sound familiar? Jay said that he got the allowance from Kim Joon Myeon, one of his father’s trusted men who’s hiding somewhere. How could Jeffrey know Kim Joon Myeon, too?

Jeffrey chuckles. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

“Jeffrey ssi.” Suddenly Taeyong could hear Jaejoong’s voice. Jeffrey turns around. “I’m your doctor. Can we talk?” Jaejoong called himself as a doctor, not psychiatrist this time, who knows maybe Jeffrey would freak out, why should a psychiatrist talking to him!

Jeffrey nods. “Sure. I have a lot of questions too, Doc. I don’t remember what happened to me. Why am I here? How long have I been here?”

Jaejoong nods. “It’s a long story, Jeffrey. But first, can you give me your uncle’s number? He still haven’t known about your condition.”

“Oh, sure. Sure. I remember his numbers by heart.”

Taeyong gives his uncle a curious look. Why does his uncle act as if… Jeffrey is real? Kim Joon Myeon is real?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ********* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“So, Jeffrey is not an unknown alter ego?” Taeyong finally could talk with his uncle after waiting for a quite long time.

Jaejoong nods. “It’s my first time meeting him face to face, but I’ve known him since a year ago.”

“How?” Taeyong confused.

“The poems. When Jaehyun was still living in USA, Jeffrey and Jay had shown up. At that time, he didn’t know about it of course, but the poems were the proofs of Jeffrey’s existence. I had no idea why Jeffrey never showed up before, since Jaehyun started staying here, so at that time I thought maybe this alter ego had faded. But now he’s here. I was wrong.”

“About Kim Joon Myeon. Does he real?”

“He is.”

“WHAT? HOW? B-but…”

“Joon Myeon knows about Jaehyun’s alter ago, though not all of them, only Jay and Jeffrey, but he knows. Jaehyun doesn’t remember him, but Jay does. He’s one of his father’s trusted men, his biological father, not adopted father. It explains how Jay has a lot of money without using Jaehyun’s money, it’s because of Kim Joon Myeon. He’s been waiting for Jay, for Jaehyun, to remember his past and getting stronger…”

“Wait! So, Jay is Jaehyun? Jaehyun is Jay? The rabbit is real?”

Jaejoong frowns. “All of his alter egos actually represent Jaehyun, though not entirely. They’re carrying the fragments of Jaehyun’s memories. Some of those memories stay as it was, some turn to something completely different. But there’s always a string of connection among them.”

“Jaehyun is Jay….” Taeyong’s voice is hoarse.

“No. Jay is Jaehyun. The different version of him. But most of his memories are Jaehyun’s memories, too. Jay is like… the contradiction, but he’s the key. An important alter ego who’ll leads Jaehyun to become complete again. Meanwhile Jeffrey is the only one who has the completely different memories than the other alter egos. There wasn’t Yuta in his memories. There weren’t you, too. And now I finally could talk to Kim Joon Myeon. Jay’s always been secretive about him, but Jeffrey gave his number willingly like earlier. I’m so excited to meet Joon Myeon. He could help Jaehyun better, though Jaehyun still not remember him.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ****** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jaehyun’s parents are on the way, but its still Jeffrey who takes control Jaehyun’s consciousness.

Yunho finally has known about the disorder. There’s no way Jaejoong could hide it anymore when the doctor called Yunho and told him Jaehyun had disappeared. This is why Jaejoong didn’t like coming to this hospital as it is not where Jaejoong works and so there isn’t any coordination between general department and psychiatric department, but he had no choice at that time, it’s the nearest hospital from Jaehyun’s place.

“Uncle and aunt would be…” Yunho shakes his head. “I think it’s better if we keep it as a secret for now, Jaejoongie.”

“If you say so.” Jaejoong replies calmly. His expression is blank.

Taeyong smirks, deciding to leave those two alone in the waiting room. Jaejoong reminds Taeyong of himself. _Tsundere,_ as how Ten usually calls him.

Jaehyun is sleeping soundly now, after taking the medication. He’s Jeffrey, still Jeffrey, yeah Taeyong knows. Taeyong bit his lower lip, suddenly feel guilty for kissing Jeffrey at the rooftop earlier. It’s as if he’s cheat on Jaehyun!

But, Jaehyun is not his lover, so… Taeyong could only heave a deep sigh.

Taeyong takes Jeffrey’s book. After having dinner earlier, Jeffrey asked the nurse to give him a book and a pen so he could write.

Taeyong flips the pages. He can’t deny, Jeffrey is a good writer.

 

_love is more thicker than forget_

_more thinner than recall_

_more seldom than a wave is wet_

_more frequent than to fail_

 

_it is most mad and moonly_

_and less it shall unbe_

_than all the sea which only_

_is deeper than the sea_

 

_love is less always than to win_

_less never than alive_

_less bigger than the least begin_

_less littler than forgive_

 

_it is most sane and sunly_

_and more it cannot die_

_than all the sky which only_

_is higher than the sky_

~~~~~~~~

 _you are a concordance of person, number, voice, and place;_ _strawberries spread through your name as if it were budding shrubs,_ _how you remind me of some spring, the waters as cool and clear (late rain cling to your leaves, shaken by light wind), which is where you occur in grassy moonlight: and you are a lily, an aster, white trillium or viburnum,_ _by all rights mine, white star in the meadow sky, the snow still arriving from its earthwards journeys, here where there is no snow (I dreamed the snow was you, when there was snow), you are my right, have come to be my night (your body takes on the dimensions of sleep, the shape of sleep becomes you): and you fall from the sky with several flowers, words spill from your mouth in waves, your lips taste like the sea, salt-sweet_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 _let me be your electric meter_  
I will not run out  
let me be the electric heater  
you get cold without

~~~~~~~~

_Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks_

_Within his bending sickle's compass come_

~~~~~~~~~~

_Here._  
It will blind you with tears  
like a lover.  
It will make your reflection  
a wobbling photo of grief.

 

Taeyong closes the book as he let out a big yawn. It’s time to sleep. He doesn’t want his back aching again like this morning, so now he better sleeps on the couch. He puts the book on the desk then stands up from the small chair next to Jaehyun’s bed, stroking Jaehyun’s hair slowly before walking to the couch.

Tomorrow, Jaehyun’s parents would already be here. Taeyong wishes Jaehyun would show up. He’s already missed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******** ~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Today is Yuta’s 2nd day in Seoul. Yesterday, he was too tired to explore Seoul with Hansol and his cousin, Ten, so today they have decided to wake up as earlier as possible then start the Seoul tour right away.

It’s too cold outside, but Yuta, Ten, and Hansol (mostly Ten) are really excited for the tour. Ten would be Yuta’s guide tour, he had prepared everything since last week. Their tour would be started at Han Gang Park. It would be nicer if Yuta and Hansol came in Spring or Summer, not Winter! But Ten feels too happy to make an argument.

Ten’s father usually works at the hospital if he doesn’t have any classes at the university. Last night, Ten’s father haven’t talked that much with Yuta regarding his condition, so this morning Ten gives them a chance although that’s mean his plan would be a little bit ruined.

Yuta wants to know where Ten’s father working, and where’s Ten studying.

“Yuta hyung, it’d be boring.” Ten pouts.

Yuta chuckles. “Hansol hyung said, your university is super huge, Ten. I want to see it.”

“But, it’s located too far from Dad’s hospital. Let’s see it later, hyung…” Ten is still showing off his best cute face to Yuta, making Yuta pinches his cheeks.

“Hahaha, okay then.”

 

At Ten’s father’s hospital.

Yuta is having a private talk with Ten’s father in his room, meanwhile Ten and Hansol are waiting them in the cafeteria as they haven’t had breakfast this morning.

It’s been a long time since the last time Ten saw Hansol, so he’s really hyper right now, talking non stop about a lot of things, catch up many things like the old times, although their conversation mostly just rotates around Johnny and Johnny, it’s not new.

50 minutes later, Yuta shows up at the cafeteria with Ten’s father, and so they continue their talks but excluding anything related to Johnny this time, since Ten’s father dislike Ten and Johnny’s friendship.

“Jay hyung?” Ten’s eyes widen as he sees Jay walking to the cafeteria alone. “Is he sick?”

When Jay walks passing their table, Ten calls him. “Jay hyung! Jay hyung! Huh? Did he not hear me?” Ten confused because Jay just keep walking. Ten stands up then grabs Jay’s arm. “Jay hyung!”

Jay turns around, staring at Ten with brows furrowed. “You’re mistaken. I’m Jeffrey.” After giving Ten his famous dimples smile, Jeffrey turns his heels and walks away.

Ten rubs his nape. “I’m sure it’s Jay hyung!”

“Who?” Hansol asks.

“Johnny’s friend, Jay. But he said he’s not.” Ten sits on his chair again, for a while forgetting that his father is still seated with them there. _Shit! I mentioned Johnny!_

“Sa-chan, why are you crying?” Hansol panicked when he sees tears streaming down his lover’s face.

“Huh? I-I don’t know…” Yuta chuckles as he wipes his tears. He’s lying. Of course he knows. The man who has a nice dimples smile earlier reminding him of his half brother. He looks like Yoonoh who’s seated next to Hansol right now, although everyone else but Yuta can’t see Yoonoh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ******** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who loves Jeffrey? LOL
> 
> The poems credit to : Shakespeare, John Cooper Clarke, Christina Rossetti , Valentine Carol Ann Duffy , E.E. Cummings, Reginald Shepherd,


	10. Chapter 10

“Taeyongie hyung, why am I here?”

Taeyong swears, he’s never been running as fast as right now. He thinks he could won a gold medal with how fast his legs move. Taeyong is usually clumsy, often trips on nothing but his own legs. So, when he’s arrived at the 7th floor where Jaehyun’s room is located without even once losing his balance, he calls it miracle.

Jung Jaehyun is his miracle.

“JAEHYUN!!! OH MY GOD! FINALLY YOU CAME BACK!” Taeyong wraps his arms around Jaehyun, too tight, but he doesn’t care. He’s just glad Jaehyun finally came back.

He knew it’s Jaehyun who called him earlier. Not Jay, Jaeyook, White, Yoonoh, or Jeffrey. Nobody have called Taeyong ‘ _Taeyongie hyung’_ with a sweet voice, full of reverence, like Jaehyun did. Sure, Jay and Jefrrey’s voice are sweet too. But it’s different. Don’t ask Taeyong how he could know. He just knew.

“Hyung, what’s wrong? Why am I here? How long I’ve been disappeared?”

Taeyong tightens the hug, burying his face on the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, savouring Jaehyun’s smell, or to be precise is Jaehyun’s presence. Taeyong refuses to let Jaehyun go.

It’s Jeffery this morning until evening. Until maybe 15 minutes ago, when Taeyong was going to grab something for dinner. Taeyong has no idea why suddenly Jaehyun took over the consciousness. He’s just glad he could finally meet Jaehyun again. He’s really scared he would lose Jaehyun for good when Yoonoh had attempted suicide. He’s scared Jaehyun would never come back when Jeffrey took the consciousness all the times.

“Hyung, why are you crying?” Jaehyun tensed, panicked.

Taeyong shakes his head. “Because I’m happy.”

Jaehyun giggles. He wraps his arms around Taeyong’s petite body, drawing circle on his back.  

Taeyong closes his eyes. Melting into Jaehyun’s tender and soothing touches.

He wants kissing Jaehyun. He wants Jaehyun kissing him. Would it be weird if he did it first?

Taeyong knows how soft those lips are. Jeffrey had kissed him. But he wants Jaehyun. He wonder if those lips would be softer and sweeter. Since he had feelings for Jaehyun, maybe the kiss would feel better.

Taeyong will never let Jaehyun go if it’s not for the soft knock on the door. “Taeyong? Are you there?” It’s his uncle!

Taeyong wipes his tears before walking to open the door.

“Jaehyun’s parents would be here in an hour. Did Jeffrey…”

“Jaehyun’s here.” Taeyong smiles.

Jaejoong sighs in relieve, then walks in. Taeyong understand, his uncle needs a time to talk to Jaehyun, so he says “Jaehyun, I’ll go grab a burger.”

“Ne, hyung.” Jaehyun gives him a cute dimple smile. “Come back here asap okay?”

Taeyong nods. Oh, if only Jaehyun knew Taeyong doesn’t feel like eating anything right now. He just wants to give some times for his uncle to explain everything to Jaehyun before Jaehyun’s parents arrived.

Maybe, Jaehyun came back because deep down inside he knows his parents would come? Yeah, maybe.

Taeyong wishes Jaehyun would still be Jaehyun when he comes to that room later.

~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~

Taeyong’s wish is granted!

Jaehyun has been Jaehyun for almost 24 hours now. His parents have come back to USA, though at first they insisted to stay. But Jaehyun, Yunho, and Jaejoong could convince them, by telling them lies of course, since Jaehyun didn’t want his parents to know about his disorder. But at least Yunho knew about it. Jaejoong could count on Yunho.

It feels surreal, like a dream, having a nice small talk with Jaehyun like this. For once, Taeyong pretends Jaehyun doesn’t have the disorder. Jaehyun pretends he doesn’t have 5 alter egos or maybe even more. Both of them pretend they’re just the normal college students, watching a science fiction romance drama on the TV, arguing about silly things the main characters have to and not have to do, as if their own life had no drama at all.

 It’s easier like that. Knowing someone else out there facing more serious, difficult, and weirder problems than them. Even though it’s just fictional.

“Hyung, is there no honey butter chip left?” Jaehyun pouts. His gaze looks like a kicked puppy, a cute sad puppy who accuses Taeyong for eating most of the chips, though in fact Jaehyun is the one who eats the most.

Taeyong shakes his head. He swears this man could instantly become a toddler when it comes to food!

“Hyung will buy it for you.” Taeyong sighs. He would buy maybe 10 packs for Jaehyun. Up until now he’s still don’t get it why the younger loves honey butter chips so much. He himself prefers chocolates and cookies. The chips tasted weird on his tongue. No offense to the brand, it’s just Taeyong’s preference.

“Yaaay!” Jaehyun beams. Dimples in full displayed.

Taeyong grins. If it makes Jaehyun happy, then why not. He would sacrifice himself walking outside of this warm and comfortable room, and missed some scenes of the drama on the television just to buy those stupid chips!

~~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~~

For a while, Taeyong forgot, his and Jaehyun’s life is full of drama.

The magic has faded. Now he’s faced with reality.

When Taeyong came back to Jaehyun’s room, Jaehyun has gone.

There, on Jaehyun’s bed, there’s a note. Or a poem?

 _How wonderful is death._  
_Death, and his brother, sleep!_  
_One, pale as yonder waning moon_  
_With lips of lurid blue;_  
_The other, rosy as the morn_  
_When throned on ocean’s wave_  
_It blushes o’er the world;_  
_Yet both so passing wonderful!_

 _Death arrives among all that sound_  
_like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,_  
_comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no_  
_finger in it,_  
_comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no_  
_throat._  
_Nevertheless its steps can be heard_  
_and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree._

 _But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,_  
_lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,_  
_death is inside the broom,_  
_the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,_  
_it is the needle of death looking for thread._

Taeyong doesn’t understand the poems. It’s beautiful, but scary at the same times. His feeling said, this poem is a bad sign.

~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~

Everyone in the hospital is panicked! Or, maybe not everyone. It’s just Taeyong, Yunho, Jaejoong, and the doctor who handles Jaehyun.

They couldn’t find Jaehyun anywhere. What’s weirder? Jaehyun can’t be seen in any CCTV! There’re like, what, more than 100 cctvs in this hospital, but how come Jaehyun is not seen in any of them? It’s like Jaehyun has vanished in a blink of eyes into the thin air!

“Maybe Jaehyun is still in the room. Hiding?” Taeyong said. He knows, it’s stupid! He has searched the room thrice!

Jaejoong is awfully quiet.

“Uncle, what if something bad happened to Jaehyun?” Taeyong can’t help but feel scared. “It’s Jeffrey, right?”

“I’ve called JoonMyeon.” His uncle finally speaks.

Taeyong sighs. He doesn’t find it important calling JoonMyeon right now. His uncle should’ve called the police! Jeffrey is not form South Korea. What if he lost? What if something bad happened to him? What if he attempted suicide just like Yoonoh did?

“JoonMyeon will help me understand Jeffrey better.” His uncle keeps talking. “I’m sure Jeffrey will be alright, Taeyong. He’s not in the danger. It’s other people, anyone out there who’s in danger.”

Taeyong doesn’t understand.

“I should’ve known it earlier. Jeffrey is dangerous.” Jaejoong’s gaze hardened when one of the CCTV finally captured Jaehyun.

Jaehyun, or Jeffrey, was waving his hand excitedly. There’s something wicked in his grin.

Jeffrey looks really proud. He’s intentionally making the cctv on the parking lot captured him. He was smiling, as if mocking everyone.

He could escaped almost a hundred cctvs inside of the hospital, but after that intentionally and happily showed himself in one of cctvs outside. Does it make him dangerous? Or just one of the signs that he’s an exhibitionist?

~~~~~~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~~~

Yuta made excuses to come to Ten’s father hospital again today. Hansol and Ten think Yuta loves talking to Ten’s father, it’s not enough talking to him at the home so Yuta follows Ten’s father to the hospital too.

But in fact, the only reason why Yuta always come to the hospital is because of _that_ man. The tall man he’s seen 3 days ago at the hospital’s cafeteria.

Yuta wants proving something. He have to look at the man’s face in the close distance. He have to talk to the man. Then he could know, why that man looks similar with Yoonoh. Does that man know Yoonoh? Maybe he’s Yoonoh’s relatives? Yuta needs to find out.

But, same as yesterday. Today, Yuta couldn’t find the man anywhere in the hospital. He even searched every rooms!

“Yoonoh, where and who is that man? Why does he looks like you?” Yuta talks alone. No, in his head, he is talking to Yoonoh who’s now seated next to him in the waiting room. Yuta smiles. “I know, you’re more handsome than him. But, he really really looks like you. It makes me confused.”

~~~~~~~~~~ ****** ~~~~~~~~~~

Five days have passed.

No one knows where Jeffrey is. Including Joon Myeon, who’s – surprisingly – willing to come to South Korea after Jaejoong calling him and telling him about Jeffrey.

Joon Myeon doesn’t want to involve police. It’s frustrated Taeyong! They have to ask for the police’s help to find Jaehyun.

Sure, Joon Myeon said he’s Jaehyun’s biological’s father’s right man. He knows about Jaehyun’s disorder and all of the things Taeyong doesn’t understand. Taeyong still refuses to believe that ‘the rabbit’ is real!

“We can’t find Jeffrey. Jeffrey will find us.” Joon Myeon said. “It has happened before.” Joon Myeon looks really calmed. Taeyong feels like punching the old man’s face to behave indifferent towards Jaehyun’s wellbeing.

_Jeffrey will find us._

Yesterday, Taeyong thought the meaning of Joon Myeon’s words were: Jeffrey would come back home by himself when he’s bored wandering outside. Jeffrey would find them easily.

Who knows Joon Myeon’s words mean: they could find Jeffrey. Because Jeffrey shows himself in the form of news. Bad news.

This morning, a man in his 40s found dead near the Han river. The corpse was found inside of the trash bin. His neck was slaughtered brutally. But, what’s more brutal? The man’s penis was cut, and missing.

“If the police found a sheet of plastic with some stupid poems inside of the man’s mouth, then Jeffrey did it. Jeffrey killed the man.” Joon Myeon said, in a calm manner, eyes glued on the television.

A minute after Joon Myeon said those words, the reporter is reporting about the police’s finding.

Nobody knows who the perpetrator is. There’s no trace. No fingerprints. No DNA. Nothing.

The only clue is, a sheet of transparent plastic with some weird words on it. The police found it inside of the corpse’s mouth. Just like what’ve Joon Myeon said.

~~~~***~~~~

To be continued.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wondering if there’s anyone who’s still remember and wait for this story. I won’t blame you if you’ve forgotten this story. It’s been too long. 8 months?
> 
> The poem in this chapter credit to: Pablo Neruda and Percy.


	11. Chapter 11

“Uncle, you know what to do.”

Joon Myeon shows Jaejoong the short messages from Jeffrey earlier.

“What would you do?” Jaejoong asks.

Joon Myeon shrugs. “Clean up the mess. Making sure nobody finds out Jeffrey killed the man.”

“Do you know why he did it?”

Joon Myeon smiles. “You could ask him about it later. He’s on the way coming here.”

~~~~~~~~ ******* ~~~~~~~~

 

_“Are you a painter?”_

_Jeffrey hums. “Hmm, you could say. Though I often paint in words, sometimes in_ _shapes and colors_ _, too.”_

_When Jeffrey said shapes and colors, Taeyong wanted to run!_

Taeyong remembers what Jeffrey said that day. About Jeffrey sometimes paint in shapes and colours. Taeyong remembers what the effect of those words were on him. The way Jeffrey said it that day, the way his charming gaze trapped Taeyong in his games.

_Jeffrey is dangerous in many aspects. Almost like a predator. A beautiful predator._

And now the predator is here.

Taeyong almost got heart attack when he saw Jeffrey seated on his uncle’s couch, smiling as if nothing happened, as if he never did something cruel.

“Hi, pretty Taeyong! I know you’ll come to your uncle’s house after school. Would you like join us?” Jeffrey smiles.

Taeyong can’t move his legs! His eyes shaking.

He never scared of Jaehyun’s alter egos, but Jeffrey is really different. Taeyong is scared of this charming but cruel alter ego!

His uncle, Jaejoong, looks really calm though. As if Jeffrey was just as tame as a cute kitten, and not a wild psycho who had killed a man!

Maybe Taeyong is too pure, and too weak to face this reality? Maybe he doesn’t fit with this kind of job? How could Taeyong help Jaehyun if he’s scared with one of Jaehyun’s alter egos?

But, Taeyong is just a human. It’s not a sin feeling scared of someone or something, is it?

“I won’t hurt you.” Jeffrey smiles wider, tilting his head, looking straight into Taeyong’s eyes. “You’re one of my greatest collections, Taeyong. My inspiration. My muse.” Jeffrey’s voice sounds really soft and sweet like marshmallow.

_One of his greatest collections!_

Taeyong wants nothing but run out of this room right now! But, his stupid legs are glued on the floor!

“Come on. Come here, Taeyong. Don’t be afraid. For Jaehyun?” Jeffrey smirks.

Taeyong widens his eyes. Jeffrey knows Jaehyun?

“I’ve made an agreement with your uncle. I’m willing to behave. I won’t hunt anymore, I’ll receive the therapy, as long as you’re willing to become my muse.” Jeffrey pats the empty space, asking Taeyong to sit on the couch.

 _This is for Jaehyun_. _This is for Jaehyun_.

Finally, Taeyong comes closer.

His uncle nods. As if saying ‘he would never hurt you, Taeyong.’

“H-how d-do you know Jaehyun?” Taeyong is trying to be brave, but his body is trembling when Jeffrey touches his hand, playing with his fingers, admiring Taeyong’s fingers as if his fingers are pure art.

“Of course I know him. He’s a poor kid.” Jeffrey looks up, smiling.

“You’ve known me from the start. You lied on the hospital’s rooftop!”

Jeffrey chuckles, not feeling guilty at all for playing Taeyong like that back then.

“Of course I know you too, Taeyongie.” Jeffrey leans closer, his nose almost touches Taeyong’s cheek. “You, and Jaehyun are so pitiful. I did it for you guys. I’ve killed those devils who had hurt you. I will keep hunting. I’ll find them all!”

“Jeffrey!” Finally, Jaejoong speaks. “You’ve promised.”

Jeffrey smirks. “Yeah, yeah. I’ve promised I won’t hunt random bastards, but I can’t promise I won’t slaughter those dirty old men who’ve hurt Taeyong and Jaehyun!”

“What happened 10 years ago, Jeffrey?”

Jeffrey clicks his tongue. “Not now, Doc. Taeyong is here.”

“I want to know what ha-….”

“NO!” Jeffrey shouts out loud, startles Taeyong. “NO! I DON’T WANT YOU TO REMEMBER IT, TAEYONG! YOU SHOULD’VE STAYED AWAY FROM JAEHYUN FROM THE START!”

Jeffrey sighs, talking softer this time. “Do you know why I come back? I thought I’ve killed them all, but I was wrong. There’re 2 remaining people. I forgot them for a while, but now I remember it, thanks to your uncle for helping Jaehyun remembers some part of his pasts, so now I know I’ve missed those 2 little devils.”

“Did you tell Jaehyun?” Jaejoong asks.

Jeffrey snorts. “Are you stupid, Doc? Of course I would never tell him! He’s too pure for this world. Pure, but stupid.”

Taeyong blinks his eyes several times, trying to holding back his tears. “Can I talk to Jaehyun, pleaseee?”

“No!” Jeffrey grits his teeth. “He doesn’t want talking to you.”

“Jaehyun, pleaseeee. Come back! Don’t you miss my cooking?” Taeyong wipes his tears, failed to hold it in any longer.

Taeyong touches Jeffrey’s cheeks, leans in closer. “Don’t you miss me?” Taeyong whispers softly, looking straight into Jeffrey’s eyes, wishing it’s Jaehyun who would looking back at him and not Jeffrey.

Jeffrey puts his hand on the top of Taeyong’s hands, caressing it softly. “He misses you too. But he feels ashamed. He feels guilty for not protecting you. I’ll let him comeback after I’ve finished what I have to do.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “No! Please don’t! Just… comeback! Please….”

“You don’t understand, Taeyongie! I have to kill them all! I have to put justice for both of you!”

“No! Just, let the law…”

Jeffrey snorts. “Law? You believe in those corrupted laws?” Jeffrey pulls Taeyong closer, envelops him in a suffocating hug. “I am the law, Taeyongie! That’s why Jaehyun let me live. I am the law.”

When Jeffrey is too focused on Taeyong, Jaejoong silently comes closer behind Jeffrey’s back, injecting something, making Jeffrey falls asleep.

~~~~~ **** ~~~~~

“Jeffrey knows Jaehyun well. But he has no idea of other alter egos. Jay, Jaeyook, White, and Yoonoh never exist in his consciousness.”

“This makes me really confused, uncle. I thought he didn’t know me. But it’s turned out that he’s the executor, the law as he said. Uncle pleaseeee, let me remember my past.”

“No!”

“But…”

“No, Taeyong! Jeffrey is right. It’s better for you to not remember your past.” Jaejoong takes a deep breath, suddenly look really sad, as if he regrets everything he has done in Jaehyun’s case. “Maybe it’s better for Jaehyun too. I should’ve not helped him remember his past. I should’ve not let Jeffrey lived inside of his mind again. I was too arrogant! I refused to believe that sometimes, forgetting is the best cure, for healing the trauma.”

“Uncle….”

“Taeyong, please! Stay away of Jaehyun from now on!”

~~~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~~~

Sometimes, memories turned into something really different. Not real, just an illusion. Just like how Jaeyook sees this world. So positive, so pure, and full of hope. It’s just his defence mechanism. He can’t bear the pain. He forgets the bad parts. He just remembers all the good parts of his past. He created an illusion, a happy family, nice brothers.

Sometimes, memories makes you want to end your life, but not able to do, because there’s something hold you. Fears. That’s why White could only drown himself in his own misery, those horrible memories, that could never be spoken clearly by words but by colors and shapes.

Sometimes, memories are best forgotten. So Yoonoh wouldn’t try to kill himself. He has no fears like White. Nothing could stops him.  

Sometimes, memories are the drive for you to continue to live, to keep breathing, to take revenge. But there’s something more important than taking revenge. For Jay, Taeyong’s happiness is everything. That’s why Jay never succeeded finding those bastards who had hurt Taeyong and Jaehyun in the past. Jay has always been taking Jaehyun’s pains, and he will keep doing it for God knows how long!

“This is not your fault, Jaehyun. This is not Yuta’s fault too.” That’s what Taeyong said 10 years ago. Jay believed it. But Jeffrey didn’t.

Jeffrey just wants justice! Taeyong’s happiness is not his priority. Taeyong would be sad if he knew Jeffrey would do something like this. But Jeffrey doesn’t care! Taeyong is just an idiot! Taeyong should’ve not forgive him and Yuta that easily!

Yuta. How could Jeffrey forgot Yuta! He must’ve been an idiot for forgetting a small but had a big roles and impact in his awful past!

Yuta, who pretended to care.

Yuta, who acted like a hero, but in fact was just a villain.

Yuta, who only cared about himself. Who pretended to be a good kid. Jeffrey almost believed it. Almost. If only Jaehyun didn’t hear what Yuta said that night to the dirty old men who had done something unforgiveable to Taeyong!

And now here he is. Jeffrey is ready to do the justice.

Yuta almost screams when Jeffrey suddenly makes an appearance in his hotel room. Lucky, Yuta’s boyfriend is nowhere to be seen. Jeffrey could save Hansol, the idiot boy who fell head over heels for Yuta, from witnessing something that would make him regrets loving this kind of boy! A boy who’s really good in pretending. A boy who could draws other people’s pity so easily. A boy who promises something sweet in front of you but then push you to the hell behind your back just to save himself.

“W-who are you? Why do you look like Yoonoh?” Yuta’s tears are streaming down his face.

Jeffrey scoffs. “I’m Yoonoh. I’m Jaehyun.”

Yuta’s eyes widen.

“Or was. Jaehyun called me Jeffrey.”

Jeffrey smirks, still standing near the door. “Why are you still alive, traitor? Do you think I didn’t know your dirty little secret?”

“W-what?”

Jeffrey locks the door, walking step by step, closer and getting closer to Yuta, almost looks like a predator. A very dangerous predator.

“You pretended to protect me and Taeyong. You pretended to hurt. You pretended it’s not your fault!” Jeffrey screams.

Jeffrey traps Yuta on the bed. “The others didn’t know it. I kept your secret, your true self, by myself.”

“I-I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Yoonoh. I’m sorry. I regret doing…”

“Shut up! You have no right to say sorry! It’s too late, Yuta! You helped those men taking Taeyong! Fuck you! You gave Taeyong to them! You pretended to care for Taeyong and me! Did you know what happened to me, too?”

“I’m sorry, Yoonoh, I’m sorry, I’m…”

“How does it feel to have those guilt, Yuta? I think it’s not enough. After what you’ve done to us, feeling guilty is not enough! I love seeing you miserable like this, but it’s not enough! It’s not fair for Taeyong! Let’s just go to hell together, Yuta! After I kill you, I’ll kill myself. How’s that sounds? Fair enough? I had stupidly believed in you and followed you so often, those nights, leaving Taeyong all alone in pain, crying, screaming for help, you made me turn my back from him. So I didn’t deserve to live, too. ”

To be continued

~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m happy I could update this chapter in a week.
> 
> Thank you for all of you who still reading this story. Maybe it’s getting boring and didn’t meet your expectation.
> 
> I don’t like sad ending lol. I’ll make sure to put lots of fluffy scenes after the storm was over.
> 
>  


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